oooooh...don't you look back. ("rumours" side i, track 4)

today, and everyday, is a gift. i know this because every morning i have a tiny present wrapped in brown paper and blue ribbon sitting outside of my door. it's usually just a tiny box full of diamonds or just a real gold nugget in the shape of a tiny box wrapped in brown paper and blue ribbon. none of this is true. except the part of everyday being a gift. that part is true.

i've had a weird few years. some parts of that time were AWESOME--- i mean just freaking great. to illustrate my point about everyday being a gift of awesome proportions, i will compile of list of the positive things i've been experiencing lately, and the negative things that have taught me more about who i am.
POSITIVES:
-i graduated from college. (this was an incredible feat for me because i have a.d.d. and i am quite possibly the worst student on the planet. seriously. i do not know how to study. i'm terrible with deadlines. large groups of human beings tend to piss me off most of the time. i hate desks. i'm not good at citing sources in MLA, APA, chicago, sacramento, tallahassee, or POOP styles. [those last 3, i've actually never heard of, but i'm sure they're real research writing styles.] i am terrific at wasting time and procrastinating. etc.)
-i had a job doing something i NEVER expected to do...teaching 7th grade life science. that turned out to be one of the best jobs i've ever had in my whole life and the kids changed me (i hope none of them read this because i don't want them to know how much i love them, or to see how i don't use capitalization) and how i see the world. it's crazy how that works out.
-i met some of the most incredible people i've ever known: unexpected people who, if i were close-minded, i may never have even talked to.
-i lost about 80 pounds in a year with the support of one of my best friends in the world...she lost about 70 pounds too. we are incredible human beings.
-i fell more in love with music, if that is even possible.
-i moved to richmond, va- the greatest city ever built (well...to me it is...at this moment).
-i saw incubus for the 5th time and because the show was on a random week night and it wasn't sold out, i got to MOVE CLOSER TO BRANDON BOYD FOR FREE.
-i realized who my extremely real friends are and i vowed to never lose touch with them. and i haven't.
-i got another incredible job i never expected to have, teaching one on one to students with autism.
-i got promoted to full time day school teaching assisant at said job this month, and will get benefits AND be able to take classes at VCU for free if i so choose (i already said how terrible i am at being a college student, but i'm going to do it anyway BECAUSE IT'S FREE.)
-i may have met and fallen in love with the man i want to marry (this is hilarious and may even sound like something that should go on the "negatives" list, but i'm grasping it and accepting it and i'm totally okay with it. if i don't end up with him, at least i had the feeling of knowing exactly what i wanted for that moment in my life) and he is everything i always wanted but never thought i would find.
-i reunited with old friends who have and will become permanent fixtures in my life.
-i drink coffee. almost exclusively.
-i have kept the same plant alive for a year and 6 months.
-i've read and reread some great books.
-i know that i can survive without the things that are terrible for me.
-i know who i am. i found the me i've been waiting to become for a long time. i realized what i didn't like about myself and about society, and i made myself into the person i admire most and who i think others might admire as well. i respect myself more than i've ever done and because of that respect, i can honestly say i LOVE who i am. i love everything about me. those of you who know me will not see this statement as egotistical...you'll see it as a giant breakthrough.
-my resolution was just the word, "control". i'm going to take control of my life (my finances, my job, my self esteem, my SELF, my sins, my weaknesses, my strengths) and be an even better version of me.
-i no longer worry about what everyone else my age is doing with their lives. they're not me.
-everything in my life is God's will.

there are probably about a thousand other positive things i could say about myself and about the past few years. and tons of negative things, too. i might save those for a different day. i mean, i'm not perfect, so a relapse is bound to happen within the next few weeks...or hours. i initially thought i would share those negative things, but i really don't feel like it right now. i'm too content at the moment to dig it up. plus, who wants to read negative nonsense?

i take that back. people love to read about suffering, usually because it gives them something with which they can relate or compare their lives. unfortunately for those readers, i'm in control of this blog, so i'm not giving them the pleasure.

i urge you to write a positive/negative list for your life at this very moment. start with the positives. if you dig deeply enough, you'll think of so many great things, the negative stuff will just kind of melt away.

<3

my very important emotional interview with james.

tonight, i completed an interview by my sweet friend james. he decided to use me because i'm an educator. i was so thrilled to be a part of his project, and now i really want to share it with you...whoever "you" are. on some of these questions, i got really emotional. which is hilarious, because i NEVER get emotional.

that's a lie. i just lied right to your face. i'm sorry.

anyway, here is said interview, in its entirety. i'd love to hear what you think. please comment, or send me a message.

Note: there is a part where i discuss the internet and computers and whatnot and you might read it and think "wow, she's a hypocrite for dogging the internet when she is using the internet right now to post this blog! ignorant hussy!" BUT, in my defense, i'm posting this via the internet because that is the fastest and most reliable way to communicate at this point in our lives. so there's that.

alright. grab a glass of your favorite beverage. settle in. here it comes.

1. Drawing upon your experience in teaching and the education system, what can you say about decline or vibrancy in American education? Do you have a generally negative or positive view?

I feel as though education is an ever-changing part of culture. As few as 10 years ago, children were being taught different subjects. Not just the subjects have changed, but the way subjects are presented is different as well. There are certain subjects like shorthand, cursive writing, and Home Economics that are no longer offered in schools because unfortunately, they are no longer very necessary. I of course am all for moving forward, but I learned a lot in Home Economics that a lot of students today may never understand. It was in that class that I was taught how to balance a checkbook, basic measurements and amounts in cooking, and how to repair ripped stitches and loose buttons. While those are small tasks, they are still important to everyday living. As for the WAY subjects are taught, I have mixed feelings. Since times are changing and standards are different, I believe that “teaching to the test” is the only way to help students succeed in the future (i.e. go to college, etc.) because that’s how things are in our society now. I do NOT think it’s the “right way”, however. Most of the knowledge that has helped me in life has not been an item from a standardized test. I learned by experience, most people do. So going unit by unit in a text book, then being tested on the material does not sit well with me. I need lessons presented in a way that I will always remember them. Workbooks don’t help students hold on to important information, just like big stressful tests don’t prove how much a student knows. Every single student is different: they learn differently, test differently, and have different outcomes. I suppose this leads me to say I have a negative view on American education. Maybe I always will, unless something changes. The first thing that should change is No Child Left Behind, because inevitable there will ALWAYS be a child left behind when everyone is judged by the same standard.

2. Having traveled throughout the United States, what can you say about discrepancies in education quality and quality of life in various regions of the nation? Is this an improving or worsening situation?

Obviously the quality of life differs in every region. It’s hard to say whether it’s improving or worsening because each state has a different set of rules or standards, but I’m pretty sure it’s worsening. I don’t know a lot about the school situations in other states. I know that in many of the numbered public schools in New York City, and in any city really, schools struggle because they have less money in their budgets to bring about positive changes. In our own state, there are a lot of schools located in low economic areas. These schools are employed by intelligent teachers who are trying to make a difference, but without funding they can only do so much. I don’t want to say that education is a joke, but many public schools and communities really suffer when it comes to “giving back” to their students. Therefore, the education quality suffers as well. Students may be discouraged, so they may give up on education all together, leading to an incredibly low quality of life. I think education and quality of life go hand in hand. If communities don’t give back or find a way to put public schools on a higher shelf than they do right now, we may end up with an even larger number of students giving up. Right now is the time to fix it.

3. Describe the culture of America that can be found in every state or region throughout the nation, if you believe it so exists.

I don’t know if America has a “culture” anymore. Any person who calls him or herself an “American” has grown up with a different set of values. There are different values and cultures found in the same FAMILIES, let alone in the same country. The United States has always been referred to as “the melting pot” and I can’t think of a better name for it, though now it doesn’t just refer to race or ethnicity. This country is occupied by humans of different races, ethnicities, cultures, ways of learning, etc. The only “culture” I can think of that is common in every state or region of America, is “human”, and that is where it ends.

4. Compared to other nations that you have visited, do you believe the United States is still in a position of superiority in areas such as education, economics, standard of living, happiness, etc.? Do you believe this position is in decline?

I can honestly say that compared to the few places I have been (Costa Rica; Haiti; Pyatigorsk, Russia; Puerto Rico) the United States is still in a position of superiority in economics, standard of living, and the amount of supplies we have for education. I do NOT believe the US is superior in the area of happiness and maybe even in the quality of education. Sure things are comfortable here. Our students get to have lunch every day; they get to read textbooks, use computers and the internet. They have paper to write on and desks to sit in. All of those luxuries that students (and many teachers) take for granted are wonderful things to have. I believe that students raised in America and taught in American schools are sufficient in the jobs available in our country. Of course I think that is very important, but like I said earlier, the simple tasks needed just to get by on our own are no longer taught. If someday, the internet just stops, or if cell phones are no longer working, our country will really suffer. There are no longer classes on how to grow your own crops, or raise your own livestock; farming is becoming a lost art. Cooking is impossible without knowing how to measure certain things. Simple addition and subtraction are necessary to make sure you have enough money to pay for things. Without those little lessons on how to do important tasks, we suffer. People no longer read encyclopedias, or use actual books. Instead, everything is pumped into our phone screens from a database online. I’m guilty of it as well. If I have a question about something, like the time I got a flat and I needed to change a tire, I immediately used my phone to “google” it. It’s convenient and it’s helpful, and I appreciate its existence, but I should already know how to do that. It wasn’t taught to me in high school, I had to learn how to do so from youtube. If I had been in a real jam, like in an area with no service in a snowstorm at midnight, I could have frozen to death. My point is, we’re not prepared for everything that comes our way. So while the quality of education is considered high in America, it is still lacking in the basic skills department. As for happiness, well, we should be ecstatic, but we’re not. Our nation is greedy and we always want more. I never realized it more until I went to Russia and visited 4 orphanages FULL of the most joyful children and young adults I have ever seen in my entire life. They literally had NOTHING but the clothing on their backs. And it wasn’t just the orphans, it was everyone. Everyone was delighted to be alive. My mission group was renovating and repairing a boarding school there during their summer break and the students happily came to meet us and help us. Imagine repairing a school in America and seeing every student walk up and offer help while smiling. It’s hard to picture, isn’t it? So, yes; America is wealthy and lucky and well off, but our society is not happier or better than everyone.

5. How has multiculturalism affected American society? Is it new or old, good or bad?

Multiculturalism has come into American society slowly. I think many Americans are still getting used to it. Anytime there are new people on your “turf” things change. It’s hard to say whether it’s good or bad because I’m just one person, and my opinions may not match my neighbor’s opinions. I believe that multiculturalism is a wonderful thing. It teaches us how huge the world is and how many things shaped “our culture”, which I mentioned earlier, is extremely vast and unique because we have so many facets. To the future generations, I hope that multiculturalism can be seen just as “culture” in general. We’re all human. We’re all different. We should ALL be accepted and not categorized.

if you stuck it out and read this entire interview, i'll give you a dollar next time i see you. or a hug. whichever one i have handy.

anecdotes: from pen to keyboard.

i write lots of lovely things in my actual paper journal but i often forget about them. i wrote this the other day and i feel it's pretty great so why not share it?

"i am longing for Eden while i sit on Earth. we as humans want to do everything in our power to make Earth as perfect as we can imagine. we invest in 'stuff' in hopes of solving our problems and curing our ailments. what we continuously fail to remember is this: life here on Earth -whether it's as beautiful and close to perfect as Eden was, or if it's terrible and tragic day after day- is fleeting...finite. before i write more entries full of complaints or errors i find in the human race, i need to remember this very thing so that i can step back and realize just how trivial we can be.

and then, at that moment, i will strive to be anything BUT a typical human.

regards,
ashley"

words of wisdom for the wandering christian.

"so wait, are you good or are you sketchy?"

i think it's time for me to make more changes in my life. i feel it's necessary because i'm standing at the crossroads like bone thugs n harmony. unfortunately for me, they all know where they're going, but i can't make up my mind yet. it shouldn't be a difficult decision to pick a way of life. when the choices are broken down, it usually comes to good vs. evil and that should be a no brainer. i would love to take the high road but i've been traveling the "low road" for such a long time now that i might kind of miss it. that's is the most disgusting thing i've ever said, but it's true. for the past few years my life has been all mine to live. i allowed myself to step off track. it's so funny to think of sinning as stepping off track because everyone sins. literally, every single person does it. some do it just once a week, some once a day. some may do it every hour. i don't consider myself a heathen by any means, but good Lord am i a sinner. sin can be found in the smallest of places. i consider committing the major sins (the big 10) to be just as awful as sitting back and allowing other people to commit them. this is where most of my sinning comes in. i have a hard time stepping in and changing people because more often than not, people don't want to be changed. obviously i can't force people to change but i could easily pray for those people and i just don't. i NEVER do in fact. but i think this might change soon.
the most recent addition to my friend roster is a guy named tommy* who i knew and saw a few times before we ever "met". that sounds creepy but i think it's completely normal. i know everyone reading this has had a similar experience: you know who someone is but you haven't officially met that person. so maybe you pretend to not know them and occasionally wave or just nod at them. all the while, on the inside you're thinking, "oh hey *insert name*. hope work at the *insert workplace* is going well. i wonder if you're *insert random activity* later like i sometimes see you do." this was the relationship i had with tommy before last week. he came into the coffee shop where i worked to get lunch with his mom sometimes. a few times he came in and wanted to read some of his poetry but it never worked out because the open mic night sound guy didn't get there until too late and he would have to leave. he always ordered the same food. he ALWAYS had his bible. he had some tattoos. he seemed like an intriguing fellow. i love interesting people so i of course wanted to get to know him but didn't know how. so naturally i did nothing. fast forward a couple months, i started playing in the handbell choir at a united methodist church in gloucester, va and at my very first sunday service that we were playing for, none other than tommy himself was sitting in the front pew. i hadn't been to this church's service in forever. i came for practice on thursdays and would occasionally come to the services if i stayed the night with another close friend who went to that church. you can imagine my surprise when he was seated about 5 feet away for my first service there in a while. after that first service i said nothing to him. i chalked it up to coincidence which is hilarious because i don't usually believe in that garbage. i figured he was just visiting different churches because i had never seen him there or heard of him. i asked my friend what his name was and she said she didn't know. i asked another friend and she knew his name and how old he was because he was in high school with her. and that's all i got. i knew his name and his coffee shop food order.
i went on with my life. i didn't think of tommy really. the same stuff would happen. i would see him. we wouldn't speak. at the next bell sunday though, i finally talked to him. i said hi, asked him his name (which i already knew...because i'm a creep) and said "good meeting you. see you sometime." again, went on with my life. i came to the early service of church sometimes after that and he wasn't there. i wasn't going just to see him obviously, but i found it odd that when we weren't acquaintances i saw him all the time and when we finally met officially, i never saw him again. i stopped working at the coffee shop. we didn't have bell choir music at church for months and i no longer saw tommy. after that time passed and we finally had bell music, i was a little surprised to see he was there again, in the front row. at that moment, i didn't speak to him again because i convinced myself that it had been a long time and so he probably didn't remember me. the sad part about this is that tommy was incredibly weird that day. he looked like he hadn't slept. he looked distraught. i felt like he was really struggling with a lot of personal stuff. at one point he had his head in his hands and he was twitching. i can't believe i didn't do anything. i still think about it now and get so disappointed in myself. the fact that i did nothing is worse than me being the one who actually made tommy feel like he did. anyhow, i left that day and went on living my stupid life for another month without a second thought. this past sunday i went back to that church because my best friend's nephew was being baptized. i went to the 8:30 service. maybe because humans relate places with certain people, when i walked in i was thinking, "i know tommy won't be here. he usually comes to the 11am service. i wonder how he's doing." so i found a seat and the pastor began speaking. out of the corner of my eye i saw tommy walk in. he sat down in his usual spot and i could feel him look at me. i didn't allow myself to make eye contact. honestly, i think it was because i was ashamed for not speaking to him when he was struggling. i watched him during the service to see if he was still in a bad place. he would look over at me a little too but i just looked down. after the service was over my friend's family was taking pictures of everyone because of the baptism. the sanctuary had cleared out but tommy was still there. he just sat there like he was waiting. i told myself that it was absolutely ridiculous to not say something to him. so in the middle of the din i looked over at him and he was already looking at me. all i said was, "how are you?" the normal response, perhaps the one i was expecting, is "fine. how are you?" that, however, is NOT the response i got. he described to me that he was struggling and having a really hard time with some things. i LOVED how open he was. not many people will just answer "how are you?" very honestly. it's all so practiced and robotic. i answer that question the same every time someone asks because it's a time saver. i sat down in the pew and just listened to him talk. i didn't offer any words until he was done. and when he stopped i said, "i didn't say anything to you last time i saw you and i'm really sorry because you seemed really upset and like you were struggling." he told me that he was and lots of other things. then he said, "i just need to have good relationships with people. i need someone who can help save me and who i can help save." i apologized AGAIN for not talking to him when he seemed so low. what he said then is something i don't think i could ever forget. he looked at me and kind of squinted and said, "yeah, you could have saved me back then and things would be better now." he smiled when he said it so i know he wasn't being hateful, but it was incredibly hard to hear someone say that to me. i can't believe that i, that WE as humans, have the power to save people and change people just by caring. i'll never make the same mistake again. additionally, tommy and i spent most of the rest of the day together. at one point during our time together he just looked at me and said, "so wait, are you good are you sketchy?" i kind of laughed because i didn't know how to answer that question. i don't feel like a sketchy person. i asked him what he meant by "sketchy" and he explained it this way: are you a good person who is currently working on your faith or do you stumble a lot and make bad choices really often?" i told him that i felt everyone was a sinner and that we're all human but i knew 100% in my heart that i was going to heaven because i had a relationship with Christ. i'm not sure how he felt about it because tommy is one skeptical guy. he makes a skeptical face a lot and i can't decide if it's true skepticism or if it's just a silly face. needless to say, we will be learning a lot about each other and helping each other in lots of ways. i need him for the strength to live like Jesus, or "live a faith that bleeds like the red letters" as tom davis (author of Red Letters) would say, and i think he needs me to help him stay on track with his over thinking. i don't really know why he needs me, come to think of it. he's a very strong man.
i have since talked to tommy every night and i had a short bible study with him today where we prayed and read a few passages. i couldn't find my bible which is no big surprise here since i lose everything i own. it makes me angry that i have 4 bibles and i couldn't find ONE of them this morning. he brought an extra one along and then he just gave it to me when we were leaving. i told him not to because i have 4 somewhere at home. he said, "yeah but you can't find them and you need one now." i haven't really put it down all day. it's kind of great to have it because sometimes i forget how magical it is. i automatically felt stronger and overall better just having it in my presence.
the lesson in all this is that no one should ever let the small things slide. i'm lucky that i got to see tommy again and redeem myself, and make God proud for that matter, by helping out a friend. i'm just glad it wasn't too late. so now i feel extraordinary just because i did something as simple as asking "how are you?" i think anyone can do that. can you? let that be your new challenge.

*name has been changed.

dear you,

1. i have too much to say at this moment. i have feelings that probably can't be described well on a blog page. feelings and words that can't be imagined on a piece of paper. thoughts that i, myself, have never even thought. but i need to tell you that no matter what, you are ALWAYS going to be you and there is nothing i can do to change that fact. i've tried to make you my own dream. i've tried to imagine you as a different person. i've tried to picture you in a different light. i've even tried to woo you with affection. there is nothing i can do to change your mind. you're set in your ways more so now than ever. you will always be, undeniably, the one person i'll never have. i'm coming to terms with it. you're too different. not only different from anyone i've known, but different than how you were when we met. you're different every time i see you. if i didn't know better i'd say you were suffering from schizophrenia. maybe that's why this thing between us is so difficult to understand. i don't understand it. i never will. all i know is that when i'm with you, my heart has a hard time keeping up. you stop time. in my head i feel like we're back to the first time we met. then we talk and i realize that's just what i want deep down. i want YOU, but the 'you' i want is the 'you' i met 6 years ago. i can't change you. i don't want to. i just want you to feel the way i feel about you. but that is nearly impossible. because i don't even know you and you don't really know me either. the thing is, i'll never know you. and that breaks my heart. i have a slight feeling that i made you up, or at least i made you into someone you aren't. you can go back to your friends/drug of choice now. let me know when you're dead.

pragmatically yours, a

2. you're utterly perfect for someone. probably not perfect for me, but for a girl who has an ideal body. a girl who knows everything there is to know about football. a girl who can run miles without being winded. a girl who doesn't think the way i do. a girl who is faithful not just to you, but to God. a girl who never questions the way life works. a girl who is inexplicably beautiful without trying. a girl who knows less than you, so that you can teach her things. a girl who has a sense of humor...but the kind of humor that every pretty girl has---boring and store-bought.

SIDENOTE: i have a fantastic sense of humor. in fact, i've been told that i'm hilarious and "the funniest person i know" by lots of people. i make fun out of situations because it makes situations easier to handle. i do this, not only because i have wit and lots of sarcasm. not only because i notice small things that no one else notices, not only because i state the funny thoughts that no one else can find the words to describe. not only because it's my defense mechanism. i'm funny because that's what i HAVE to be. sure i'm cute and nice and sweet, but i'm funny because that's what us "non-beautiful" girls have to be. we didn't get all the perfect characteristics, so we have to overcompensate by being hilarious. it's not a bad quality. it's something i've learned to love about myself. but in reality, if i were drop dead gorgeous i wouldn't have to be funny: i could just fall back on my perfect looks and sexy body and that would be enough.

anyway...number 2...you're amazing. i would give my right arm to be enough for you. but i'm not. so i'll just make you laugh and give you silly gifts and tell you funny jokes because that's what i'm good at. i'll share anecdotes and pretend that i'm happy to be different. but deep down, you're the kind of man that i want. you'd make me happy. you're strong, faithful, and absolutely delicious. it just doesn't work. but OH how i wish it would. too bad life is not a movie.

wishful-thinkingly yours, ashmo

3. i thought you might be perfect. to borrow a cliche, i thought you might be The One. i was sorely mistaken. in the beginning i should have seen it coming. i didn't, however, because i was too blinded that i, ashley moore, was with The One. how hilarious it was to be kicked in the head over and over again. you made me laugh. you made me cry. you were just enough. i never knew, i still don't know, anyone like you. i think the reason for this is i was in love with a mirror image of myself. that sounds really egotistical. it actually made me throw up to type it. but it's true. we are the same person. we've both had struggles. we've both had ups and downs and our fallback was always the same. we could lay in bed for hours and listen to obscure music and be perfectly happy. we could take trips to the beach just to watch birds! we could observe the same people and come up with funny stories about their lives. we could talk about anything and everything and have conversations for hours about thom yorke. WHO DOES THAT? no one. literally no one. and i LOVED every second of it. everything we had in common was based on everything we thought about on a daily basis. we discovered new things together. but when times got rough you gave up slightly. instead of seeing what else would work, you bailed. you changed into a different person. or maybe you didn't...maybe i did. or maybe you were always that way and everything you said was a lie. or maybe everything we had was an experiment. i talked to you about things i didn't talk to other people about and i asked you questions that you always knew the answer to. you had flaws. you still do, i'm sure. one of the biggest was the fact that you changed your mind more than anyone who has ever lived. i gave you too much. i "put you on a pedestal", apparently. and after you knocked me down off of my tiny minuscule "pedestal" (that i wouldn't even consider a pedestal) you changed your mind again. you loved me, then you didn't. you wanted me, then you were disgusted by me. you told me everything i wanted to hear, then you blatantly offended me in order to make yourself feel better about the fact that you were being an asshole. you are a giant rollercoaster. literally. your name should be ronnie rollercoaster. and dear, dear ronnie, i don't know where you are. i don't know who you are or what you're doing, or who you're doing, or if you're in love, or if you're alone. i tried to be your friend. i will try forever. because you were the first person i've ever been devastated over. you're the first person i've ever actually pictured life with. you're the first person i've ever wanted so much that it physically hurt, which is a beautiful reminder of how disgustingly fragile i am. thank you for being so real. thank you for knocking me down. because, damnit, i was so very vain to begin with.

sardonically yours, me

wow. i'm not sure where any of this is coming from, but i feel better. there's more to come. right now, i need to get away for a minute. come back soon.

oh. big things coming.

i feel like i have too many words to write at this instant. as soon as i figure them out, however, i will be right back.

i just found a new chicken pox scar.

subject line: purely informational-not pertinent to this entry.

so i'm reallllly not ready for this stuff. stuff being becoming a grownup and settling down. i HAVE to go. i don't know where. i don't know how things will work. but i can't stay here. i can't do it. i can't settle like i have been, but without a concrete plan in sight, i think i have to settle just for a little bit.

i think i can manage to do something else at some point. i really do. i have to work and figure things out for a little while so i can have at least a little freedom when i get out. and it's not that i don't like being close to home or being close to family. i of course love that. but this small town is not giving me what i want most: contentment and/or love. i am fine for a few days...weeks even. then i get that antsy feeling. i seriously don't know how to contain it. i don't know whether my desire to try other things is just strong because i see so many people settle. i don't know if it's because i'm single and everybody i know is married/ married with children/ engaged. i have no problem with people my age getting married and settling down. honestly i have a ton of respect for them, for being able to settle here, or in other small towns and have a routine everyday. i've never been one for routines...or settling for that matter.

so. in a nutshell: i'm just about at the end of my rope. [rope=succumbing to normalcy.] i simply cannot stand by and wait any longer. i must see what else i can do but i don't know where to start. and before i can attempt it, i have to get some things off my chest:

1. to the people who have told me for years that i'm talented...was it a lie? i need to know because if i'm going to abandon the safety found in leading a comfortable life, i find it important to make sure it's worth it.

2. and this is just a mere suggestion...don't play me for a fool. i know i'm not THAT disgusting. i couldn't be...or you wouldn't be trying so hard to get me alone.

3. before i go, if i even go-let's be honest- please know that you are my best friend (this applies to a handful of people) and the thought of not seeing you as much as possible actually causes me physical pain.

4. living rent free is totally worth the stress it puts me through. thank you for all that you do.

5. is anyone at all interested in picking up and coming with me?

i'm sure there will be other entries soon enough. i'm sure i won't be going anywhere anytime soon. but i need to know if my life has the potential of evolving into more than it already is because sometimes it feels like i'm running in place and other times i'm just running in BIG circles that start and end right where i already am.

there will be more to come- i swear.

i forget

EVERYDAY

that i have a blog.

but now that i remember it again, i shall write an entry everyday.


see you in another 7 months.



kidding. but yeah. it's laughable how i cleverly avoid updating people on my life when i've discussed with said people my plans on working on my blog, etc. whatever. so here it comes. and just as a preemptive blurb: this has nothing to do with a life update. these are just thoughts that come to my mind daily. they have no order. excuse spelling or grammatical errors. i usually care about those things but i'm tired as tennisballs.

i find it hard to believe how so many people have no faith. i think about it often and it makes me sad. then i think even more and i realize how simple it must be to live in a world where you have no heaven to work for. i of course believe there is a heaven and living everyday in order to be able to enter that kingdom is sometimes the most difficult thing possible. the reason i say this is i tend to make a LOT of mistakes. the mistakes i make aren't just wee either. when i feel discouraged or low i tend to take matters into my own hands which is always the worst idea. this is something i'll work on.

sometimes i wake up and there are small ants in my bed. i don't know where the source for the ant population is. clearly it's near my bed.

i am falling MORE deeply in love with jeff buckley. there never has been, nor will there ever be, a better more talented musician than him. the other day i actually cried because he's gone. every song he sings portrays another emotion. i have a lot of favorites: "grace" being one. while "grace" is his most famous song, there's reason for it. i usually hate when people pick their favorite songs by artists and it's the artist's most famous or chart topping song. so have no fear...i am prepared to provide a list of more songs of mr. buckley's that will make you smack your momma. first off: listen to "forget her", "the last goodbye", "lover, you should've come over", "so real" for starters. if those don't cause you either heartwrenching pain or great happiness, then clearly you're an emotionless empty shoebox and you need therapy. i could probably go on for hours about him and his talent but i won't. just listen to him. seriously. do it.

my mom thinks i'm a hoarder.

my closest friends all live so far away. this causes me to fill my life with meaningless activity (refer to the first random thought paragraph.)

i teach 7th grade science and i am usually very concerned with my wardrobe and my makeup. several of my classes found out i can sing and they are trying to convince me to sing for them. i can't say that i won't do it. i love those kids.

i like the fact that God has still not given me a full time education job. i like to think he's keeping me open and available for becoming famous. i wish i was good enough.

i think i want to move to austin, tx. who's with me?

radiohead seems to make me wallow more than i was before but my word i love it.

the shins have quite possibly changed my whole year.

my car is FULL of middle school level novels and books, clothes, random household stuff, and shoes. timmy d used to ask me to clean out my car when we were younger and i wouldn't (i still stuff crap in there), so he hid a carton of milk in my car and about a month later i had to clean out my car because the milk went bad. i think he did it again because my car is messy and today there was an odor.

i don't know why i'm still awake.

i miss college. i miss the mountains. i miss dog food smell and pizza at midnight and daves and l&s and little grill and going to earth and tea and talking about the world with friends like we were invincible and completely awesome.

i miss intohymn. i cherished that more than anything else. i think i took my time in college for granted. i know that's more about college but i'm just flowing right now. don't stop my flow. hustle and flow. (i'm done.)

i've been semi sick for about 2 months. i don't know when i'm gonna get better.

john is gone to basic training. i miss him a lot more than i think he knows. we became closer friends before he left. i pray for him everyday because i want the best things for him. he's the type of guy any girl would be lucky to have. caring, beautiful, hilarious, good-hearted, grounded, faithful.

i wish i was strong enough to just be.

i'd like to be right with myself.

"i have to love God before i can love myself and i have to love myself before i can love anyone else."

it's 11:01. do you know where your children are?

i'm going to bed. hope an ant doesn't crawl in my mouth and build an ant village. is that what you call a group of ants? village?

i love you if you're reading this.

COLONY! it's ant colony, not village! right??

something was revealed to me.

before i forget it, i'm writing about a beautiful epiphany. i am not the original thinker of this message, but i've adapted it/re-written it because it will change you. maybe. a friend of a friend created the following thought in her study of Christianity. when i heard it i took the deepest breath and let the words wash over me.

when you are feeling distant, or maybe when you've fallen away from God, take into consideration the return of the prodigal son. no matter what you do, or who you are, God is here. in my life i have sinned many times, i do so everyday. we are humans; it's in our nature. i can sin and "forget to pray" and run farther and farther away from the best life, away from my Father. i could dig a huge deep hole and jump in. i could seriously sin in every way imaginable. understand how terrible i could be and how far away i can run from Christ...then picture this prodigal son. put yourself in his sandals. all i have to do, is turn around. literally, that's it.

let me break it down for you. as a human, i make mistakes and i often forget about eternity and heaven. because my faith has been weakened by time and because i haven't actively studied and prayed as often as i should, i feel that i'm a lost cause at times. i worry that these things will prevent me from entering The Kingdom. just when i think i'm the farthest i can be from God the Father, i am reminded of the prodigal son. he sinned and sinned. he did everything wrong. if there was something bad to be involved in, he was there. and yet...because of God's unending love, all he had to do was turn around and face Him. and then the best thing happened: God did the rest of the work. God ran to him. God accepted him. God loved him. God took him in His arms solely because he turned around in realization. that's seriously all it took. how amazing is that?

i think about things like this all the time. i think about how far i've fallen from my God. i'm my own worst enemy of course and i judge myself very much. i know that i haven't killed anyone, i haven't coveted my neighbor. i've treated everyone as they should be treated. i'm actually an honest to goodness nice person. but i still sin. and i still cast God aside more often than not. i'm admitting it because sometimes we just need to say it out loud...or in this case 'type' it, in order for us to realize that He doesn't come first. i'm the first person to tell you that i am incredibly imperfect and i almost ALWAYS put God last. i feel like i can handle things on my own which is ridiculous. i can barely take care of my laundry; why on earth do i think i can handle love and money and goals alone? but back to the point...when i'm feeling low and i come to the realization that God loves me and that i need Him more than anything, the ONLY thing i have to do is turn around...or "look up" as some say. and without a doubt, without hesitation, without question God will do the rest.

how's that for true love? <3

and a sun to maybe dissipate shadows of the mess you made

all it takes is one or two songs and i'm back down where i was. honestly i felt fine and strong and now my heart is heavy and i'm sick. it doesn't even matter where i am. i can be at the gates of heaven or i can be onstage accepting my award for being the best at something, or i can be about to drift to sleep after a nice day, and my heart will heave. if i listen to mykonos by fleet foxes or two weeks by grizzly bear, or gideon by my morning jacket, or any song that resembles the likes of the ones i mentioned, i want to explode. and what i don't understand is why. why is it that this type of music moves me in a way that i can't explain? it's heart wrenching. it actually, physically hurts me. i'm in my room alone and i'm happy to be alive and then the air is sucked out of me and the room becomes a tiny closet with the cracks sealed. and i can't breathe. and i feel like i'm lying to myself. and the very worst part about it is that i know it's only me that feels this way, and i don't know if it's ever going to go away.

in recent news...

i decided tonight that i am, for real this time, going to write a memoir. it's been an idea in the works for some time, but i'm actually going to do it. honestly i have too much going on in my life that makes for good reading to pass up the opportunity. i can't decide whether or not to post some parts of it here or to just compile everything and then later on bind it. i have a lot of stuff written down already in a lot of different places so it won't be hard to compile things quickly once i edit and revise. i will keep you, my faithful blog reader, updated. though i know there are no faithful blog readers. it's fine. the memoir is for my benefit anyway. it will be good to have everything down on paper. and it will hurt some feelings. i display more strength and spine behind words than i do up front, personal, and face to face. i suppose i feel that words on paper will protect me in a way, but that's a silly thing to assume. just look at mark darcy at the end of bridget jones' diary. he read her diary and she said all these terrible things about him and he runs out...only to buy her a new diary of course, but the reader/viewer is led to believe darcy is appalled and heartbroken. i guess that won't happen. in my book i would be incredibly truthful. i won't pick anyone apart; i will simply reveal a musing of each character. i can't be arrested or hanged for my opinions surely?? no. definitely not. i don't think...

but so yeah. i've been watching a lot of old movies lately: casablanca, an american in paris, gigi, mrs. miniver, a farewell to arms, an affair to remember, etc. i think i would give my left leg to live in an era that is so black and white...no pun intended. i love how honest life was. i love how there were no games involved. if you loved someone, you showed it. it just seemed simple and beautiful. even though most of those movies have to do with war and dark times...the characters still make the most of life and they don't hide their emotions for the most part. also, there was no texting or emailing or blogging. there was just the right now and a few memories. it seems so much more cut and dry. sigh. if only...

here's looking at you kid.

i walk by faith and not by sight...

the true definition of beauty is a mixture of words and lyrics used to praise my savior. sometimes the words are in english. sometimes the words are in zulu. whatever language they may be in is perfect. right now there are several scriptures speaking to me. i have been overcome by the world and by people. i have been living in fear and not trusting in the Lord to provide for me. i have been trying to take my life into my own hands. what is so funny about all that is the fact that i am so far from being in control of my life or anyone else's life it's laughable. God reminds me daily how silly i am. sometimes it's hard to face, but i am grateful for my rude awakenings just the same. anyway...back to those scriptures speaking to me:

2 Corinthians 5:7 says, "we live by faith, not by sight". sometimes it's written "we walk by faith...", etc. i like to personalize things as much as possible so that scripture applies directly to me. "i will walk by faith and not by sight. i will live faithfully and completely devoted to Jesus Christ, and i will not live by sight. i will not put my faith and my trust in the material ways of the world.

Joshua 1:9 (the second sentence and beyond) says "Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." How fantastic!?! i'm so happy to have a Lord who will love me and be by my side when i least expect it. He is with me even when i don't feel like i deserve the love of anyone. He is with me holding my hand while i walk through the world. the very best part of this scripture is that i was shown this in my reading and i later found a necklace in the shape of a shield and a very tiny inscription of this very verse is on the back of it. it touches my heart daily...literally. i feel so lucky.

Sithi jabula Jesu, jabula
wake up in the moonlight singing
Sithi thandaza solly, thandaza
Heaven is waiting for you.
[Sithi (We say), jabula (be joyful) Jesu (to Jesus)
thandaza solly (be playful, have fun)]
Baning ye ti ba Yahweh (let us praise the Lord our God) Hallelujah!
Siyahamb' ekukhanyen' kwenkhos' (We are singing, for the Lord is our light)
Jesu tawa pano...tawa pano mu zita renyu (Jesus we are here...we are here for you)

Panis angelicus
fit panis hominum;
Dat Panis caelicus
figuris terminum.
O res mirabilis!
manducat Dominum
pauper, auper
servus et humilis
pauper, pauper
servus, servus et humilis.

these lyrics translated are so beautiful. look:
Heavenly Bread
That becomes the bread for all mankind;
Bread from the angel host
That is the end of all imaginings
Oh, miraculous thing!
This body of God will nourish
Even the poorest,
The most humble of servants.

the last song i'm putting up tonight is probably one of my favorite and most beautiful songs i have ever heard or sang in my life.

seeds grow to plants if you add a little water,
boys grow to men if you add a little time
trails grow to tracks if you add a little enterprise
each to each, and everything will be alright.

plants grow to trees if you add a little sunlight
men grow to nations if you add a little hope
tracks grow to roads if you add a little know-how
each to each, and everything will be alright.

like grows to love if you add a little fellowship.
hope grows to faith if you add a little trust
we want to make this land of ours the promised land.
will it to be so and faith will make it work out right

we want to grow in the spirit of our fathers
we want to live in this land our fathers made.
we want to spread in the wide open spaces
give us what we need and we will make the world alright.

now i know that the song is from "Canticles of America" by John Rutter, but the faith shown throughout the whole song makes me cry because there was a time when everyone in our country and a lot of people in our world put all of their faith in God. i want so badly for this to happen again.

okay. i'm done. for now.

"...or get into a knife fight with a skinhead"

i often get consumed in books and poetry. i've felt myself get even more lost in the likes of music, but never before until now have i put so much time and thought into the sounds that music can make and the feelings it evokes in my insides. i mean all of these words just to express how in love i am with the tiny turntable i have in my possession. i have never been so enveloped...nay...entranced by something as lucid. it brings me great joy because i can hear the sounds that my mother heard when she was young. i can be captured by the movement of music and then experience the physical reaction that the bewitching sounds offered my father when he was in college. i feel like i'm in a bubble of good and i am hesitant to get out. while my melodious world seems so perfect, there comes a time when i must re-enter reality. which brings me to the drab complaint portion of this whole ordeal. i don't see it as complaining by the way. i see it as giving my thoughts some air.

so it's a new year. a year for finding a life and a job for myself when all i want is to drive across the country. normally i would take off and not say anything, but currently i have $2 to my name and that's it. i'm sort of stuck. i don't want to be tied down yet. i don't want to work everyday in the same place and then get stuck for years with no way out. i honestly have no choice in the matter though. my parents did so much for me and paid for so much during college that i have to just make money so i can pay them back. in addition, i don't think anyone in my life would be willing to join me in this adventure because all of my friends are settled, engaged, married, pregnant, too young, too poor, too good for me, or not spontaneous enough to do it. i suppose i have to forget it.

my mom says the main thing i should be concerned with right now is getting a job. and while yes that would be the sensible decision, i want more than anything, to have someone who would jump at the chance to go somewhere/anywhere with me, be willing to go halfsies on everything, live in a car, eat at cheap buffets and dives, and listen to "tommy" or "rumors" the whole way. while i would be satisfied with anyone who considers me a friend or can put up with me talking about music and past lives for hours, i would really prefer the person to be a guy. namely, someone who knows enough about me that he's not scared to stick around. someone who isn't intimidated by the fact that i know about the world and there's not a ton that he can teach me. i mean there are things that i don't know how to do, but for the most part i can manage to do or talk about anything i need to. if i could play an instrument well enough, and said instrument was portable, i would be even happier because i could never get bored. whoever this guy is should probably know how to play guitar or something. he should also have a pretty voice so that when we are struggling to make a little money for gas or food, we can perform somewhere and charm our way into some cash. he should also probably make an agreement with me that he won't do anything stupid (sell our vehicle, spend all his money on stupid crap like tons of beer, ditch me for a cheap girl, or get into a knife fight with a skinhead that turns into a high speed car chase with guns and slashed tires, etc.) because then he would have to deal with me being silent and pretending to be okay even though i will be so upset that i'm holding back a huge meltdown. no one wants to see or have a meltdown on the trip across the country.

what am i even writing about right now? i make up imaginary stories that could never happen. i wish it all came true though. i wish all my thoughts and pretend stories happened because then my life would be a movie.

clearly i need sleep.

the ballad of love and hate

Love writes a letter and sends it to hate.
My vacations ending. I'm coming home late.
The weather was fine and the ocean was great
and I can't wait to see you again.
Hate reads the letter and throws it away.
"No one here cares if you go or you stay.
I barely even noticed that you were away.
I'll see you or I won't, whatever."
Love sings a song as she sails through the sky.
The water looks bluer through her pretty eyes.
And everyone knows it whenever she flies,
and also when she comes down.
Hate keeps his head up and walks through the street.
Every stranger and drifter he greets.
And shakes hands with every loner he meets
with a serious look on his face.
Love arrives safely with suitcase in tow.
Carrying with her the good things we know.
A reason to live and a reason to grow.
To trust. To hope. To care.
Hate sits alone on the hood of his car.
Without much regard to the moon or the stars.
Lazily killing the last of a jar
of the strongest stuff you can drink.
Love takes a taxi, a young man drives.
As soon as he sees her, hope fills his eyes.
But tears follow after, at the end of the ride,
cause he might never see her again.
Hate gets home lucky to still be alive.
He screams o'er the sidewalk and into the drive.
The clock in the kitchen says 2:55,
And the clock in the kitchen is slow.
Love has been waiting, patient and kind.
Just wanting a phone call or some kind of sign,
That the one that she cares for, who's out of his mind,
Will make it back safe to her arms.
Hate stumbles forward and leans in the door.
Weary head hung, eyes to the floor.
He says "Love, I'm sorry",
and she says, "What for?
I'm yours and that's it, whatever.
I should not have been gone for so long.
I'm yours and that's it, forever."

You're mine and that's it, forever.