i just found a new chicken pox scar.

subject line: purely informational-not pertinent to this entry.

so i'm reallllly not ready for this stuff. stuff being becoming a grownup and settling down. i HAVE to go. i don't know where. i don't know how things will work. but i can't stay here. i can't do it. i can't settle like i have been, but without a concrete plan in sight, i think i have to settle just for a little bit.

i think i can manage to do something else at some point. i really do. i have to work and figure things out for a little while so i can have at least a little freedom when i get out. and it's not that i don't like being close to home or being close to family. i of course love that. but this small town is not giving me what i want most: contentment and/or love. i am fine for a few days...weeks even. then i get that antsy feeling. i seriously don't know how to contain it. i don't know whether my desire to try other things is just strong because i see so many people settle. i don't know if it's because i'm single and everybody i know is married/ married with children/ engaged. i have no problem with people my age getting married and settling down. honestly i have a ton of respect for them, for being able to settle here, or in other small towns and have a routine everyday. i've never been one for routines...or settling for that matter.

so. in a nutshell: i'm just about at the end of my rope. [rope=succumbing to normalcy.] i simply cannot stand by and wait any longer. i must see what else i can do but i don't know where to start. and before i can attempt it, i have to get some things off my chest:

1. to the people who have told me for years that i'm talented...was it a lie? i need to know because if i'm going to abandon the safety found in leading a comfortable life, i find it important to make sure it's worth it.

2. and this is just a mere suggestion...don't play me for a fool. i know i'm not THAT disgusting. i couldn't be...or you wouldn't be trying so hard to get me alone.

3. before i go, if i even go-let's be honest- please know that you are my best friend (this applies to a handful of people) and the thought of not seeing you as much as possible actually causes me physical pain.

4. living rent free is totally worth the stress it puts me through. thank you for all that you do.

5. is anyone at all interested in picking up and coming with me?

i'm sure there will be other entries soon enough. i'm sure i won't be going anywhere anytime soon. but i need to know if my life has the potential of evolving into more than it already is because sometimes it feels like i'm running in place and other times i'm just running in BIG circles that start and end right where i already am.

there will be more to come- i swear.

i forget

EVERYDAY

that i have a blog.

but now that i remember it again, i shall write an entry everyday.


see you in another 7 months.



kidding. but yeah. it's laughable how i cleverly avoid updating people on my life when i've discussed with said people my plans on working on my blog, etc. whatever. so here it comes. and just as a preemptive blurb: this has nothing to do with a life update. these are just thoughts that come to my mind daily. they have no order. excuse spelling or grammatical errors. i usually care about those things but i'm tired as tennisballs.

i find it hard to believe how so many people have no faith. i think about it often and it makes me sad. then i think even more and i realize how simple it must be to live in a world where you have no heaven to work for. i of course believe there is a heaven and living everyday in order to be able to enter that kingdom is sometimes the most difficult thing possible. the reason i say this is i tend to make a LOT of mistakes. the mistakes i make aren't just wee either. when i feel discouraged or low i tend to take matters into my own hands which is always the worst idea. this is something i'll work on.

sometimes i wake up and there are small ants in my bed. i don't know where the source for the ant population is. clearly it's near my bed.

i am falling MORE deeply in love with jeff buckley. there never has been, nor will there ever be, a better more talented musician than him. the other day i actually cried because he's gone. every song he sings portrays another emotion. i have a lot of favorites: "grace" being one. while "grace" is his most famous song, there's reason for it. i usually hate when people pick their favorite songs by artists and it's the artist's most famous or chart topping song. so have no fear...i am prepared to provide a list of more songs of mr. buckley's that will make you smack your momma. first off: listen to "forget her", "the last goodbye", "lover, you should've come over", "so real" for starters. if those don't cause you either heartwrenching pain or great happiness, then clearly you're an emotionless empty shoebox and you need therapy. i could probably go on for hours about him and his talent but i won't. just listen to him. seriously. do it.

my mom thinks i'm a hoarder.

my closest friends all live so far away. this causes me to fill my life with meaningless activity (refer to the first random thought paragraph.)

i teach 7th grade science and i am usually very concerned with my wardrobe and my makeup. several of my classes found out i can sing and they are trying to convince me to sing for them. i can't say that i won't do it. i love those kids.

i like the fact that God has still not given me a full time education job. i like to think he's keeping me open and available for becoming famous. i wish i was good enough.

i think i want to move to austin, tx. who's with me?

radiohead seems to make me wallow more than i was before but my word i love it.

the shins have quite possibly changed my whole year.

my car is FULL of middle school level novels and books, clothes, random household stuff, and shoes. timmy d used to ask me to clean out my car when we were younger and i wouldn't (i still stuff crap in there), so he hid a carton of milk in my car and about a month later i had to clean out my car because the milk went bad. i think he did it again because my car is messy and today there was an odor.

i don't know why i'm still awake.

i miss college. i miss the mountains. i miss dog food smell and pizza at midnight and daves and l&s and little grill and going to earth and tea and talking about the world with friends like we were invincible and completely awesome.

i miss intohymn. i cherished that more than anything else. i think i took my time in college for granted. i know that's more about college but i'm just flowing right now. don't stop my flow. hustle and flow. (i'm done.)

i've been semi sick for about 2 months. i don't know when i'm gonna get better.

john is gone to basic training. i miss him a lot more than i think he knows. we became closer friends before he left. i pray for him everyday because i want the best things for him. he's the type of guy any girl would be lucky to have. caring, beautiful, hilarious, good-hearted, grounded, faithful.

i wish i was strong enough to just be.

i'd like to be right with myself.

"i have to love God before i can love myself and i have to love myself before i can love anyone else."

it's 11:01. do you know where your children are?

i'm going to bed. hope an ant doesn't crawl in my mouth and build an ant village. is that what you call a group of ants? village?

i love you if you're reading this.

COLONY! it's ant colony, not village! right??