i write lots of lovely things in my actual paper journal but i often forget about them. i wrote this the other day and i feel it's pretty great so why not share it?
"i am longing for Eden while i sit on Earth. we as humans want to do everything in our power to make Earth as perfect as we can imagine. we invest in 'stuff' in hopes of solving our problems and curing our ailments. what we continuously fail to remember is this: life here on Earth -whether it's as beautiful and close to perfect as Eden was, or if it's terrible and tragic day after day- is fleeting...finite. before i write more entries full of complaints or errors i find in the human race, i need to remember this very thing so that i can step back and realize just how trivial we can be.
and then, at that moment, i will strive to be anything BUT a typical human.
regards,
ashley"
words of wisdom for the wandering christian.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
"so wait, are you good or are you sketchy?"
i think it's time for me to make more changes in my life. i feel it's necessary because i'm standing at the crossroads like bone thugs n harmony. unfortunately for me, they all know where they're going, but i can't make up my mind yet. it shouldn't be a difficult decision to pick a way of life. when the choices are broken down, it usually comes to good vs. evil and that should be a no brainer. i would love to take the high road but i've been traveling the "low road" for such a long time now that i might kind of miss it. that's is the most disgusting thing i've ever said, but it's true. for the past few years my life has been all mine to live. i allowed myself to step off track. it's so funny to think of sinning as stepping off track because everyone sins. literally, every single person does it. some do it just once a week, some once a day. some may do it every hour. i don't consider myself a heathen by any means, but good Lord am i a sinner. sin can be found in the smallest of places. i consider committing the major sins (the big 10) to be just as awful as sitting back and allowing other people to commit them. this is where most of my sinning comes in. i have a hard time stepping in and changing people because more often than not, people don't want to be changed. obviously i can't force people to change but i could easily pray for those people and i just don't. i NEVER do in fact. but i think this might change soon.
the most recent addition to my friend roster is a guy named tommy* who i knew and saw a few times before we ever "met". that sounds creepy but i think it's completely normal. i know everyone reading this has had a similar experience: you know who someone is but you haven't officially met that person. so maybe you pretend to not know them and occasionally wave or just nod at them. all the while, on the inside you're thinking, "oh hey *insert name*. hope work at the *insert workplace* is going well. i wonder if you're *insert random activity* later like i sometimes see you do." this was the relationship i had with tommy before last week. he came into the coffee shop where i worked to get lunch with his mom sometimes. a few times he came in and wanted to read some of his poetry but it never worked out because the open mic night sound guy didn't get there until too late and he would have to leave. he always ordered the same food. he ALWAYS had his bible. he had some tattoos. he seemed like an intriguing fellow. i love interesting people so i of course wanted to get to know him but didn't know how. so naturally i did nothing. fast forward a couple months, i started playing in the handbell choir at a united methodist church in gloucester, va and at my very first sunday service that we were playing for, none other than tommy himself was sitting in the front pew. i hadn't been to this church's service in forever. i came for practice on thursdays and would occasionally come to the services if i stayed the night with another close friend who went to that church. you can imagine my surprise when he was seated about 5 feet away for my first service there in a while. after that first service i said nothing to him. i chalked it up to coincidence which is hilarious because i don't usually believe in that garbage. i figured he was just visiting different churches because i had never seen him there or heard of him. i asked my friend what his name was and she said she didn't know. i asked another friend and she knew his name and how old he was because he was in high school with her. and that's all i got. i knew his name and his coffee shop food order.
i went on with my life. i didn't think of tommy really. the same stuff would happen. i would see him. we wouldn't speak. at the next bell sunday though, i finally talked to him. i said hi, asked him his name (which i already knew...because i'm a creep) and said "good meeting you. see you sometime." again, went on with my life. i came to the early service of church sometimes after that and he wasn't there. i wasn't going just to see him obviously, but i found it odd that when we weren't acquaintances i saw him all the time and when we finally met officially, i never saw him again. i stopped working at the coffee shop. we didn't have bell choir music at church for months and i no longer saw tommy. after that time passed and we finally had bell music, i was a little surprised to see he was there again, in the front row. at that moment, i didn't speak to him again because i convinced myself that it had been a long time and so he probably didn't remember me. the sad part about this is that tommy was incredibly weird that day. he looked like he hadn't slept. he looked distraught. i felt like he was really struggling with a lot of personal stuff. at one point he had his head in his hands and he was twitching. i can't believe i didn't do anything. i still think about it now and get so disappointed in myself. the fact that i did nothing is worse than me being the one who actually made tommy feel like he did. anyhow, i left that day and went on living my stupid life for another month without a second thought. this past sunday i went back to that church because my best friend's nephew was being baptized. i went to the 8:30 service. maybe because humans relate places with certain people, when i walked in i was thinking, "i know tommy won't be here. he usually comes to the 11am service. i wonder how he's doing." so i found a seat and the pastor began speaking. out of the corner of my eye i saw tommy walk in. he sat down in his usual spot and i could feel him look at me. i didn't allow myself to make eye contact. honestly, i think it was because i was ashamed for not speaking to him when he was struggling. i watched him during the service to see if he was still in a bad place. he would look over at me a little too but i just looked down. after the service was over my friend's family was taking pictures of everyone because of the baptism. the sanctuary had cleared out but tommy was still there. he just sat there like he was waiting. i told myself that it was absolutely ridiculous to not say something to him. so in the middle of the din i looked over at him and he was already looking at me. all i said was, "how are you?" the normal response, perhaps the one i was expecting, is "fine. how are you?" that, however, is NOT the response i got. he described to me that he was struggling and having a really hard time with some things. i LOVED how open he was. not many people will just answer "how are you?" very honestly. it's all so practiced and robotic. i answer that question the same every time someone asks because it's a time saver. i sat down in the pew and just listened to him talk. i didn't offer any words until he was done. and when he stopped i said, "i didn't say anything to you last time i saw you and i'm really sorry because you seemed really upset and like you were struggling." he told me that he was and lots of other things. then he said, "i just need to have good relationships with people. i need someone who can help save me and who i can help save." i apologized AGAIN for not talking to him when he seemed so low. what he said then is something i don't think i could ever forget. he looked at me and kind of squinted and said, "yeah, you could have saved me back then and things would be better now." he smiled when he said it so i know he wasn't being hateful, but it was incredibly hard to hear someone say that to me. i can't believe that i, that WE as humans, have the power to save people and change people just by caring. i'll never make the same mistake again. additionally, tommy and i spent most of the rest of the day together. at one point during our time together he just looked at me and said, "so wait, are you good are you sketchy?" i kind of laughed because i didn't know how to answer that question. i don't feel like a sketchy person. i asked him what he meant by "sketchy" and he explained it this way: are you a good person who is currently working on your faith or do you stumble a lot and make bad choices really often?" i told him that i felt everyone was a sinner and that we're all human but i knew 100% in my heart that i was going to heaven because i had a relationship with Christ. i'm not sure how he felt about it because tommy is one skeptical guy. he makes a skeptical face a lot and i can't decide if it's true skepticism or if it's just a silly face. needless to say, we will be learning a lot about each other and helping each other in lots of ways. i need him for the strength to live like Jesus, or "live a faith that bleeds like the red letters" as tom davis (author of Red Letters) would say, and i think he needs me to help him stay on track with his over thinking. i don't really know why he needs me, come to think of it. he's a very strong man.
i have since talked to tommy every night and i had a short bible study with him today where we prayed and read a few passages. i couldn't find my bible which is no big surprise here since i lose everything i own. it makes me angry that i have 4 bibles and i couldn't find ONE of them this morning. he brought an extra one along and then he just gave it to me when we were leaving. i told him not to because i have 4 somewhere at home. he said, "yeah but you can't find them and you need one now." i haven't really put it down all day. it's kind of great to have it because sometimes i forget how magical it is. i automatically felt stronger and overall better just having it in my presence.
the lesson in all this is that no one should ever let the small things slide. i'm lucky that i got to see tommy again and redeem myself, and make God proud for that matter, by helping out a friend. i'm just glad it wasn't too late. so now i feel extraordinary just because i did something as simple as asking "how are you?" i think anyone can do that. can you? let that be your new challenge.
*name has been changed.
the most recent addition to my friend roster is a guy named tommy* who i knew and saw a few times before we ever "met". that sounds creepy but i think it's completely normal. i know everyone reading this has had a similar experience: you know who someone is but you haven't officially met that person. so maybe you pretend to not know them and occasionally wave or just nod at them. all the while, on the inside you're thinking, "oh hey *insert name*. hope work at the *insert workplace* is going well. i wonder if you're *insert random activity* later like i sometimes see you do." this was the relationship i had with tommy before last week. he came into the coffee shop where i worked to get lunch with his mom sometimes. a few times he came in and wanted to read some of his poetry but it never worked out because the open mic night sound guy didn't get there until too late and he would have to leave. he always ordered the same food. he ALWAYS had his bible. he had some tattoos. he seemed like an intriguing fellow. i love interesting people so i of course wanted to get to know him but didn't know how. so naturally i did nothing. fast forward a couple months, i started playing in the handbell choir at a united methodist church in gloucester, va and at my very first sunday service that we were playing for, none other than tommy himself was sitting in the front pew. i hadn't been to this church's service in forever. i came for practice on thursdays and would occasionally come to the services if i stayed the night with another close friend who went to that church. you can imagine my surprise when he was seated about 5 feet away for my first service there in a while. after that first service i said nothing to him. i chalked it up to coincidence which is hilarious because i don't usually believe in that garbage. i figured he was just visiting different churches because i had never seen him there or heard of him. i asked my friend what his name was and she said she didn't know. i asked another friend and she knew his name and how old he was because he was in high school with her. and that's all i got. i knew his name and his coffee shop food order.
i went on with my life. i didn't think of tommy really. the same stuff would happen. i would see him. we wouldn't speak. at the next bell sunday though, i finally talked to him. i said hi, asked him his name (which i already knew...because i'm a creep) and said "good meeting you. see you sometime." again, went on with my life. i came to the early service of church sometimes after that and he wasn't there. i wasn't going just to see him obviously, but i found it odd that when we weren't acquaintances i saw him all the time and when we finally met officially, i never saw him again. i stopped working at the coffee shop. we didn't have bell choir music at church for months and i no longer saw tommy. after that time passed and we finally had bell music, i was a little surprised to see he was there again, in the front row. at that moment, i didn't speak to him again because i convinced myself that it had been a long time and so he probably didn't remember me. the sad part about this is that tommy was incredibly weird that day. he looked like he hadn't slept. he looked distraught. i felt like he was really struggling with a lot of personal stuff. at one point he had his head in his hands and he was twitching. i can't believe i didn't do anything. i still think about it now and get so disappointed in myself. the fact that i did nothing is worse than me being the one who actually made tommy feel like he did. anyhow, i left that day and went on living my stupid life for another month without a second thought. this past sunday i went back to that church because my best friend's nephew was being baptized. i went to the 8:30 service. maybe because humans relate places with certain people, when i walked in i was thinking, "i know tommy won't be here. he usually comes to the 11am service. i wonder how he's doing." so i found a seat and the pastor began speaking. out of the corner of my eye i saw tommy walk in. he sat down in his usual spot and i could feel him look at me. i didn't allow myself to make eye contact. honestly, i think it was because i was ashamed for not speaking to him when he was struggling. i watched him during the service to see if he was still in a bad place. he would look over at me a little too but i just looked down. after the service was over my friend's family was taking pictures of everyone because of the baptism. the sanctuary had cleared out but tommy was still there. he just sat there like he was waiting. i told myself that it was absolutely ridiculous to not say something to him. so in the middle of the din i looked over at him and he was already looking at me. all i said was, "how are you?" the normal response, perhaps the one i was expecting, is "fine. how are you?" that, however, is NOT the response i got. he described to me that he was struggling and having a really hard time with some things. i LOVED how open he was. not many people will just answer "how are you?" very honestly. it's all so practiced and robotic. i answer that question the same every time someone asks because it's a time saver. i sat down in the pew and just listened to him talk. i didn't offer any words until he was done. and when he stopped i said, "i didn't say anything to you last time i saw you and i'm really sorry because you seemed really upset and like you were struggling." he told me that he was and lots of other things. then he said, "i just need to have good relationships with people. i need someone who can help save me and who i can help save." i apologized AGAIN for not talking to him when he seemed so low. what he said then is something i don't think i could ever forget. he looked at me and kind of squinted and said, "yeah, you could have saved me back then and things would be better now." he smiled when he said it so i know he wasn't being hateful, but it was incredibly hard to hear someone say that to me. i can't believe that i, that WE as humans, have the power to save people and change people just by caring. i'll never make the same mistake again. additionally, tommy and i spent most of the rest of the day together. at one point during our time together he just looked at me and said, "so wait, are you good are you sketchy?" i kind of laughed because i didn't know how to answer that question. i don't feel like a sketchy person. i asked him what he meant by "sketchy" and he explained it this way: are you a good person who is currently working on your faith or do you stumble a lot and make bad choices really often?" i told him that i felt everyone was a sinner and that we're all human but i knew 100% in my heart that i was going to heaven because i had a relationship with Christ. i'm not sure how he felt about it because tommy is one skeptical guy. he makes a skeptical face a lot and i can't decide if it's true skepticism or if it's just a silly face. needless to say, we will be learning a lot about each other and helping each other in lots of ways. i need him for the strength to live like Jesus, or "live a faith that bleeds like the red letters" as tom davis (author of Red Letters) would say, and i think he needs me to help him stay on track with his over thinking. i don't really know why he needs me, come to think of it. he's a very strong man.
i have since talked to tommy every night and i had a short bible study with him today where we prayed and read a few passages. i couldn't find my bible which is no big surprise here since i lose everything i own. it makes me angry that i have 4 bibles and i couldn't find ONE of them this morning. he brought an extra one along and then he just gave it to me when we were leaving. i told him not to because i have 4 somewhere at home. he said, "yeah but you can't find them and you need one now." i haven't really put it down all day. it's kind of great to have it because sometimes i forget how magical it is. i automatically felt stronger and overall better just having it in my presence.
the lesson in all this is that no one should ever let the small things slide. i'm lucky that i got to see tommy again and redeem myself, and make God proud for that matter, by helping out a friend. i'm just glad it wasn't too late. so now i feel extraordinary just because i did something as simple as asking "how are you?" i think anyone can do that. can you? let that be your new challenge.
*name has been changed.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
dear you,
1. i have too much to say at this moment. i have feelings that probably can't be described well on a blog page. feelings and words that can't be imagined on a piece of paper. thoughts that i, myself, have never even thought. but i need to tell you that no matter what, you are ALWAYS going to be you and there is nothing i can do to change that fact. i've tried to make you my own dream. i've tried to imagine you as a different person. i've tried to picture you in a different light. i've even tried to woo you with affection. there is nothing i can do to change your mind. you're set in your ways more so now than ever. you will always be, undeniably, the one person i'll never have. i'm coming to terms with it. you're too different. not only different from anyone i've known, but different than how you were when we met. you're different every time i see you. if i didn't know better i'd say you were suffering from schizophrenia. maybe that's why this thing between us is so difficult to understand. i don't understand it. i never will. all i know is that when i'm with you, my heart has a hard time keeping up. you stop time. in my head i feel like we're back to the first time we met. then we talk and i realize that's just what i want deep down. i want YOU, but the 'you' i want is the 'you' i met 6 years ago. i can't change you. i don't want to. i just want you to feel the way i feel about you. but that is nearly impossible. because i don't even know you and you don't really know me either. the thing is, i'll never know you. and that breaks my heart. i have a slight feeling that i made you up, or at least i made you into someone you aren't. you can go back to your friends/drug of choice now. let me know when you're dead.
pragmatically yours, a
2. you're utterly perfect for someone. probably not perfect for me, but for a girl who has an ideal body. a girl who knows everything there is to know about football. a girl who can run miles without being winded. a girl who doesn't think the way i do. a girl who is faithful not just to you, but to God. a girl who never questions the way life works. a girl who is inexplicably beautiful without trying. a girl who knows less than you, so that you can teach her things. a girl who has a sense of humor...but the kind of humor that every pretty girl has---boring and store-bought.
SIDENOTE: i have a fantastic sense of humor. in fact, i've been told that i'm hilarious and "the funniest person i know" by lots of people. i make fun out of situations because it makes situations easier to handle. i do this, not only because i have wit and lots of sarcasm. not only because i notice small things that no one else notices, not only because i state the funny thoughts that no one else can find the words to describe. not only because it's my defense mechanism. i'm funny because that's what i HAVE to be. sure i'm cute and nice and sweet, but i'm funny because that's what us "non-beautiful" girls have to be. we didn't get all the perfect characteristics, so we have to overcompensate by being hilarious. it's not a bad quality. it's something i've learned to love about myself. but in reality, if i were drop dead gorgeous i wouldn't have to be funny: i could just fall back on my perfect looks and sexy body and that would be enough.
anyway...number 2...you're amazing. i would give my right arm to be enough for you. but i'm not. so i'll just make you laugh and give you silly gifts and tell you funny jokes because that's what i'm good at. i'll share anecdotes and pretend that i'm happy to be different. but deep down, you're the kind of man that i want. you'd make me happy. you're strong, faithful, and absolutely delicious. it just doesn't work. but OH how i wish it would. too bad life is not a movie.
wishful-thinkingly yours, ashmo
3. i thought you might be perfect. to borrow a cliche, i thought you might be The One. i was sorely mistaken. in the beginning i should have seen it coming. i didn't, however, because i was too blinded that i, ashley moore, was with The One. how hilarious it was to be kicked in the head over and over again. you made me laugh. you made me cry. you were just enough. i never knew, i still don't know, anyone like you. i think the reason for this is i was in love with a mirror image of myself. that sounds really egotistical. it actually made me throw up to type it. but it's true. we are the same person. we've both had struggles. we've both had ups and downs and our fallback was always the same. we could lay in bed for hours and listen to obscure music and be perfectly happy. we could take trips to the beach just to watch birds! we could observe the same people and come up with funny stories about their lives. we could talk about anything and everything and have conversations for hours about thom yorke. WHO DOES THAT? no one. literally no one. and i LOVED every second of it. everything we had in common was based on everything we thought about on a daily basis. we discovered new things together. but when times got rough you gave up slightly. instead of seeing what else would work, you bailed. you changed into a different person. or maybe you didn't...maybe i did. or maybe you were always that way and everything you said was a lie. or maybe everything we had was an experiment. i talked to you about things i didn't talk to other people about and i asked you questions that you always knew the answer to. you had flaws. you still do, i'm sure. one of the biggest was the fact that you changed your mind more than anyone who has ever lived. i gave you too much. i "put you on a pedestal", apparently. and after you knocked me down off of my tiny minuscule "pedestal" (that i wouldn't even consider a pedestal) you changed your mind again. you loved me, then you didn't. you wanted me, then you were disgusted by me. you told me everything i wanted to hear, then you blatantly offended me in order to make yourself feel better about the fact that you were being an asshole. you are a giant rollercoaster. literally. your name should be ronnie rollercoaster. and dear, dear ronnie, i don't know where you are. i don't know who you are or what you're doing, or who you're doing, or if you're in love, or if you're alone. i tried to be your friend. i will try forever. because you were the first person i've ever been devastated over. you're the first person i've ever actually pictured life with. you're the first person i've ever wanted so much that it physically hurt, which is a beautiful reminder of how disgustingly fragile i am. thank you for being so real. thank you for knocking me down. because, damnit, i was so very vain to begin with.
sardonically yours, me
wow. i'm not sure where any of this is coming from, but i feel better. there's more to come. right now, i need to get away for a minute. come back soon.
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