and a sun to maybe dissipate shadows of the mess you made

all it takes is one or two songs and i'm back down where i was. honestly i felt fine and strong and now my heart is heavy and i'm sick. it doesn't even matter where i am. i can be at the gates of heaven or i can be onstage accepting my award for being the best at something, or i can be about to drift to sleep after a nice day, and my heart will heave. if i listen to mykonos by fleet foxes or two weeks by grizzly bear, or gideon by my morning jacket, or any song that resembles the likes of the ones i mentioned, i want to explode. and what i don't understand is why. why is it that this type of music moves me in a way that i can't explain? it's heart wrenching. it actually, physically hurts me. i'm in my room alone and i'm happy to be alive and then the air is sucked out of me and the room becomes a tiny closet with the cracks sealed. and i can't breathe. and i feel like i'm lying to myself. and the very worst part about it is that i know it's only me that feels this way, and i don't know if it's ever going to go away.

in recent news...

i decided tonight that i am, for real this time, going to write a memoir. it's been an idea in the works for some time, but i'm actually going to do it. honestly i have too much going on in my life that makes for good reading to pass up the opportunity. i can't decide whether or not to post some parts of it here or to just compile everything and then later on bind it. i have a lot of stuff written down already in a lot of different places so it won't be hard to compile things quickly once i edit and revise. i will keep you, my faithful blog reader, updated. though i know there are no faithful blog readers. it's fine. the memoir is for my benefit anyway. it will be good to have everything down on paper. and it will hurt some feelings. i display more strength and spine behind words than i do up front, personal, and face to face. i suppose i feel that words on paper will protect me in a way, but that's a silly thing to assume. just look at mark darcy at the end of bridget jones' diary. he read her diary and she said all these terrible things about him and he runs out...only to buy her a new diary of course, but the reader/viewer is led to believe darcy is appalled and heartbroken. i guess that won't happen. in my book i would be incredibly truthful. i won't pick anyone apart; i will simply reveal a musing of each character. i can't be arrested or hanged for my opinions surely?? no. definitely not. i don't think...

but so yeah. i've been watching a lot of old movies lately: casablanca, an american in paris, gigi, mrs. miniver, a farewell to arms, an affair to remember, etc. i think i would give my left leg to live in an era that is so black and white...no pun intended. i love how honest life was. i love how there were no games involved. if you loved someone, you showed it. it just seemed simple and beautiful. even though most of those movies have to do with war and dark times...the characters still make the most of life and they don't hide their emotions for the most part. also, there was no texting or emailing or blogging. there was just the right now and a few memories. it seems so much more cut and dry. sigh. if only...

here's looking at you kid.

i walk by faith and not by sight...

the true definition of beauty is a mixture of words and lyrics used to praise my savior. sometimes the words are in english. sometimes the words are in zulu. whatever language they may be in is perfect. right now there are several scriptures speaking to me. i have been overcome by the world and by people. i have been living in fear and not trusting in the Lord to provide for me. i have been trying to take my life into my own hands. what is so funny about all that is the fact that i am so far from being in control of my life or anyone else's life it's laughable. God reminds me daily how silly i am. sometimes it's hard to face, but i am grateful for my rude awakenings just the same. anyway...back to those scriptures speaking to me:

2 Corinthians 5:7 says, "we live by faith, not by sight". sometimes it's written "we walk by faith...", etc. i like to personalize things as much as possible so that scripture applies directly to me. "i will walk by faith and not by sight. i will live faithfully and completely devoted to Jesus Christ, and i will not live by sight. i will not put my faith and my trust in the material ways of the world.

Joshua 1:9 (the second sentence and beyond) says "Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." How fantastic!?! i'm so happy to have a Lord who will love me and be by my side when i least expect it. He is with me even when i don't feel like i deserve the love of anyone. He is with me holding my hand while i walk through the world. the very best part of this scripture is that i was shown this in my reading and i later found a necklace in the shape of a shield and a very tiny inscription of this very verse is on the back of it. it touches my heart daily...literally. i feel so lucky.

Sithi jabula Jesu, jabula
wake up in the moonlight singing
Sithi thandaza solly, thandaza
Heaven is waiting for you.
[Sithi (We say), jabula (be joyful) Jesu (to Jesus)
thandaza solly (be playful, have fun)]
Baning ye ti ba Yahweh (let us praise the Lord our God) Hallelujah!
Siyahamb' ekukhanyen' kwenkhos' (We are singing, for the Lord is our light)
Jesu tawa pano...tawa pano mu zita renyu (Jesus we are here...we are here for you)

Panis angelicus
fit panis hominum;
Dat Panis caelicus
figuris terminum.
O res mirabilis!
manducat Dominum
pauper, auper
servus et humilis
pauper, pauper
servus, servus et humilis.

these lyrics translated are so beautiful. look:
Heavenly Bread
That becomes the bread for all mankind;
Bread from the angel host
That is the end of all imaginings
Oh, miraculous thing!
This body of God will nourish
Even the poorest,
The most humble of servants.

the last song i'm putting up tonight is probably one of my favorite and most beautiful songs i have ever heard or sang in my life.

seeds grow to plants if you add a little water,
boys grow to men if you add a little time
trails grow to tracks if you add a little enterprise
each to each, and everything will be alright.

plants grow to trees if you add a little sunlight
men grow to nations if you add a little hope
tracks grow to roads if you add a little know-how
each to each, and everything will be alright.

like grows to love if you add a little fellowship.
hope grows to faith if you add a little trust
we want to make this land of ours the promised land.
will it to be so and faith will make it work out right

we want to grow in the spirit of our fathers
we want to live in this land our fathers made.
we want to spread in the wide open spaces
give us what we need and we will make the world alright.

now i know that the song is from "Canticles of America" by John Rutter, but the faith shown throughout the whole song makes me cry because there was a time when everyone in our country and a lot of people in our world put all of their faith in God. i want so badly for this to happen again.

okay. i'm done. for now.

"...or get into a knife fight with a skinhead"

i often get consumed in books and poetry. i've felt myself get even more lost in the likes of music, but never before until now have i put so much time and thought into the sounds that music can make and the feelings it evokes in my insides. i mean all of these words just to express how in love i am with the tiny turntable i have in my possession. i have never been so enveloped...nay...entranced by something as lucid. it brings me great joy because i can hear the sounds that my mother heard when she was young. i can be captured by the movement of music and then experience the physical reaction that the bewitching sounds offered my father when he was in college. i feel like i'm in a bubble of good and i am hesitant to get out. while my melodious world seems so perfect, there comes a time when i must re-enter reality. which brings me to the drab complaint portion of this whole ordeal. i don't see it as complaining by the way. i see it as giving my thoughts some air.

so it's a new year. a year for finding a life and a job for myself when all i want is to drive across the country. normally i would take off and not say anything, but currently i have $2 to my name and that's it. i'm sort of stuck. i don't want to be tied down yet. i don't want to work everyday in the same place and then get stuck for years with no way out. i honestly have no choice in the matter though. my parents did so much for me and paid for so much during college that i have to just make money so i can pay them back. in addition, i don't think anyone in my life would be willing to join me in this adventure because all of my friends are settled, engaged, married, pregnant, too young, too poor, too good for me, or not spontaneous enough to do it. i suppose i have to forget it.

my mom says the main thing i should be concerned with right now is getting a job. and while yes that would be the sensible decision, i want more than anything, to have someone who would jump at the chance to go somewhere/anywhere with me, be willing to go halfsies on everything, live in a car, eat at cheap buffets and dives, and listen to "tommy" or "rumors" the whole way. while i would be satisfied with anyone who considers me a friend or can put up with me talking about music and past lives for hours, i would really prefer the person to be a guy. namely, someone who knows enough about me that he's not scared to stick around. someone who isn't intimidated by the fact that i know about the world and there's not a ton that he can teach me. i mean there are things that i don't know how to do, but for the most part i can manage to do or talk about anything i need to. if i could play an instrument well enough, and said instrument was portable, i would be even happier because i could never get bored. whoever this guy is should probably know how to play guitar or something. he should also have a pretty voice so that when we are struggling to make a little money for gas or food, we can perform somewhere and charm our way into some cash. he should also probably make an agreement with me that he won't do anything stupid (sell our vehicle, spend all his money on stupid crap like tons of beer, ditch me for a cheap girl, or get into a knife fight with a skinhead that turns into a high speed car chase with guns and slashed tires, etc.) because then he would have to deal with me being silent and pretending to be okay even though i will be so upset that i'm holding back a huge meltdown. no one wants to see or have a meltdown on the trip across the country.

what am i even writing about right now? i make up imaginary stories that could never happen. i wish it all came true though. i wish all my thoughts and pretend stories happened because then my life would be a movie.

clearly i need sleep.