so i'm reallllly not ready for this stuff. stuff being becoming a grownup and settling down. i HAVE to go. i don't know where. i don't know how things will work. but i can't stay here. i can't do it. i can't settle like i have been, but without a concrete plan in sight, i think i have to settle just for a little bit.
i think i can manage to do something else at some point. i really do. i have to work and figure things out for a little while so i can have at least a little freedom when i get out. and it's not that i don't like being close to home or being close to family. i of course love that. but this small town is not giving me what i want most: contentment and/or love. i am fine for a few days...weeks even. then i get that antsy feeling. i seriously don't know how to contain it. i don't know whether my desire to try other things is just strong because i see so many people settle. i don't know if it's because i'm single and everybody i know is married/ married with children/ engaged. i have no problem with people my age getting married and settling down. honestly i have a ton of respect for them, for being able to settle here, or in other small towns and have a routine everyday. i've never been one for routines...or settling for that matter.
so. in a nutshell: i'm just about at the end of my rope. [rope=succumbing to normalcy.] i simply cannot stand by and wait any longer. i must see what else i can do but i don't know where to start. and before i can attempt it, i have to get some things off my chest:
1. to the people who have told me for years that i'm talented...was it a lie? i need to know because if i'm going to abandon the safety found in leading a comfortable life, i find it important to make sure it's worth it.
2. and this is just a mere suggestion...don't play me for a fool. i know i'm not THAT disgusting. i couldn't be...or you wouldn't be trying so hard to get me alone.
3. before i go, if i even go-let's be honest- please know that you are my best friend (this applies to a handful of people) and the thought of not seeing you as much as possible actually causes me physical pain.
4. living rent free is totally worth the stress it puts me through. thank you for all that you do.
5. is anyone at all interested in picking up and coming with me?
i'm sure there will be other entries soon enough. i'm sure i won't be going anywhere anytime soon. but i need to know if my life has the potential of evolving into more than it already is because sometimes it feels like i'm running in place and other times i'm just running in BIG circles that start and end right where i already am.
No comments:
Post a Comment