i just found a new chicken pox scar.

subject line: purely informational-not pertinent to this entry.

so i'm reallllly not ready for this stuff. stuff being becoming a grownup and settling down. i HAVE to go. i don't know where. i don't know how things will work. but i can't stay here. i can't do it. i can't settle like i have been, but without a concrete plan in sight, i think i have to settle just for a little bit.

i think i can manage to do something else at some point. i really do. i have to work and figure things out for a little while so i can have at least a little freedom when i get out. and it's not that i don't like being close to home or being close to family. i of course love that. but this small town is not giving me what i want most: contentment and/or love. i am fine for a few days...weeks even. then i get that antsy feeling. i seriously don't know how to contain it. i don't know whether my desire to try other things is just strong because i see so many people settle. i don't know if it's because i'm single and everybody i know is married/ married with children/ engaged. i have no problem with people my age getting married and settling down. honestly i have a ton of respect for them, for being able to settle here, or in other small towns and have a routine everyday. i've never been one for routines...or settling for that matter.

so. in a nutshell: i'm just about at the end of my rope. [rope=succumbing to normalcy.] i simply cannot stand by and wait any longer. i must see what else i can do but i don't know where to start. and before i can attempt it, i have to get some things off my chest:

1. to the people who have told me for years that i'm talented...was it a lie? i need to know because if i'm going to abandon the safety found in leading a comfortable life, i find it important to make sure it's worth it.

2. and this is just a mere suggestion...don't play me for a fool. i know i'm not THAT disgusting. i couldn't be...or you wouldn't be trying so hard to get me alone.

3. before i go, if i even go-let's be honest- please know that you are my best friend (this applies to a handful of people) and the thought of not seeing you as much as possible actually causes me physical pain.

4. living rent free is totally worth the stress it puts me through. thank you for all that you do.

5. is anyone at all interested in picking up and coming with me?

i'm sure there will be other entries soon enough. i'm sure i won't be going anywhere anytime soon. but i need to know if my life has the potential of evolving into more than it already is because sometimes it feels like i'm running in place and other times i'm just running in BIG circles that start and end right where i already am.

there will be more to come- i swear.

i forget

EVERYDAY

that i have a blog.

but now that i remember it again, i shall write an entry everyday.


see you in another 7 months.



kidding. but yeah. it's laughable how i cleverly avoid updating people on my life when i've discussed with said people my plans on working on my blog, etc. whatever. so here it comes. and just as a preemptive blurb: this has nothing to do with a life update. these are just thoughts that come to my mind daily. they have no order. excuse spelling or grammatical errors. i usually care about those things but i'm tired as tennisballs.

i find it hard to believe how so many people have no faith. i think about it often and it makes me sad. then i think even more and i realize how simple it must be to live in a world where you have no heaven to work for. i of course believe there is a heaven and living everyday in order to be able to enter that kingdom is sometimes the most difficult thing possible. the reason i say this is i tend to make a LOT of mistakes. the mistakes i make aren't just wee either. when i feel discouraged or low i tend to take matters into my own hands which is always the worst idea. this is something i'll work on.

sometimes i wake up and there are small ants in my bed. i don't know where the source for the ant population is. clearly it's near my bed.

i am falling MORE deeply in love with jeff buckley. there never has been, nor will there ever be, a better more talented musician than him. the other day i actually cried because he's gone. every song he sings portrays another emotion. i have a lot of favorites: "grace" being one. while "grace" is his most famous song, there's reason for it. i usually hate when people pick their favorite songs by artists and it's the artist's most famous or chart topping song. so have no fear...i am prepared to provide a list of more songs of mr. buckley's that will make you smack your momma. first off: listen to "forget her", "the last goodbye", "lover, you should've come over", "so real" for starters. if those don't cause you either heartwrenching pain or great happiness, then clearly you're an emotionless empty shoebox and you need therapy. i could probably go on for hours about him and his talent but i won't. just listen to him. seriously. do it.

my mom thinks i'm a hoarder.

my closest friends all live so far away. this causes me to fill my life with meaningless activity (refer to the first random thought paragraph.)

i teach 7th grade science and i am usually very concerned with my wardrobe and my makeup. several of my classes found out i can sing and they are trying to convince me to sing for them. i can't say that i won't do it. i love those kids.

i like the fact that God has still not given me a full time education job. i like to think he's keeping me open and available for becoming famous. i wish i was good enough.

i think i want to move to austin, tx. who's with me?

radiohead seems to make me wallow more than i was before but my word i love it.

the shins have quite possibly changed my whole year.

my car is FULL of middle school level novels and books, clothes, random household stuff, and shoes. timmy d used to ask me to clean out my car when we were younger and i wouldn't (i still stuff crap in there), so he hid a carton of milk in my car and about a month later i had to clean out my car because the milk went bad. i think he did it again because my car is messy and today there was an odor.

i don't know why i'm still awake.

i miss college. i miss the mountains. i miss dog food smell and pizza at midnight and daves and l&s and little grill and going to earth and tea and talking about the world with friends like we were invincible and completely awesome.

i miss intohymn. i cherished that more than anything else. i think i took my time in college for granted. i know that's more about college but i'm just flowing right now. don't stop my flow. hustle and flow. (i'm done.)

i've been semi sick for about 2 months. i don't know when i'm gonna get better.

john is gone to basic training. i miss him a lot more than i think he knows. we became closer friends before he left. i pray for him everyday because i want the best things for him. he's the type of guy any girl would be lucky to have. caring, beautiful, hilarious, good-hearted, grounded, faithful.

i wish i was strong enough to just be.

i'd like to be right with myself.

"i have to love God before i can love myself and i have to love myself before i can love anyone else."

it's 11:01. do you know where your children are?

i'm going to bed. hope an ant doesn't crawl in my mouth and build an ant village. is that what you call a group of ants? village?

i love you if you're reading this.

COLONY! it's ant colony, not village! right??

something was revealed to me.

before i forget it, i'm writing about a beautiful epiphany. i am not the original thinker of this message, but i've adapted it/re-written it because it will change you. maybe. a friend of a friend created the following thought in her study of Christianity. when i heard it i took the deepest breath and let the words wash over me.

when you are feeling distant, or maybe when you've fallen away from God, take into consideration the return of the prodigal son. no matter what you do, or who you are, God is here. in my life i have sinned many times, i do so everyday. we are humans; it's in our nature. i can sin and "forget to pray" and run farther and farther away from the best life, away from my Father. i could dig a huge deep hole and jump in. i could seriously sin in every way imaginable. understand how terrible i could be and how far away i can run from Christ...then picture this prodigal son. put yourself in his sandals. all i have to do, is turn around. literally, that's it.

let me break it down for you. as a human, i make mistakes and i often forget about eternity and heaven. because my faith has been weakened by time and because i haven't actively studied and prayed as often as i should, i feel that i'm a lost cause at times. i worry that these things will prevent me from entering The Kingdom. just when i think i'm the farthest i can be from God the Father, i am reminded of the prodigal son. he sinned and sinned. he did everything wrong. if there was something bad to be involved in, he was there. and yet...because of God's unending love, all he had to do was turn around and face Him. and then the best thing happened: God did the rest of the work. God ran to him. God accepted him. God loved him. God took him in His arms solely because he turned around in realization. that's seriously all it took. how amazing is that?

i think about things like this all the time. i think about how far i've fallen from my God. i'm my own worst enemy of course and i judge myself very much. i know that i haven't killed anyone, i haven't coveted my neighbor. i've treated everyone as they should be treated. i'm actually an honest to goodness nice person. but i still sin. and i still cast God aside more often than not. i'm admitting it because sometimes we just need to say it out loud...or in this case 'type' it, in order for us to realize that He doesn't come first. i'm the first person to tell you that i am incredibly imperfect and i almost ALWAYS put God last. i feel like i can handle things on my own which is ridiculous. i can barely take care of my laundry; why on earth do i think i can handle love and money and goals alone? but back to the point...when i'm feeling low and i come to the realization that God loves me and that i need Him more than anything, the ONLY thing i have to do is turn around...or "look up" as some say. and without a doubt, without hesitation, without question God will do the rest.

how's that for true love? <3

and a sun to maybe dissipate shadows of the mess you made

all it takes is one or two songs and i'm back down where i was. honestly i felt fine and strong and now my heart is heavy and i'm sick. it doesn't even matter where i am. i can be at the gates of heaven or i can be onstage accepting my award for being the best at something, or i can be about to drift to sleep after a nice day, and my heart will heave. if i listen to mykonos by fleet foxes or two weeks by grizzly bear, or gideon by my morning jacket, or any song that resembles the likes of the ones i mentioned, i want to explode. and what i don't understand is why. why is it that this type of music moves me in a way that i can't explain? it's heart wrenching. it actually, physically hurts me. i'm in my room alone and i'm happy to be alive and then the air is sucked out of me and the room becomes a tiny closet with the cracks sealed. and i can't breathe. and i feel like i'm lying to myself. and the very worst part about it is that i know it's only me that feels this way, and i don't know if it's ever going to go away.

in recent news...

i decided tonight that i am, for real this time, going to write a memoir. it's been an idea in the works for some time, but i'm actually going to do it. honestly i have too much going on in my life that makes for good reading to pass up the opportunity. i can't decide whether or not to post some parts of it here or to just compile everything and then later on bind it. i have a lot of stuff written down already in a lot of different places so it won't be hard to compile things quickly once i edit and revise. i will keep you, my faithful blog reader, updated. though i know there are no faithful blog readers. it's fine. the memoir is for my benefit anyway. it will be good to have everything down on paper. and it will hurt some feelings. i display more strength and spine behind words than i do up front, personal, and face to face. i suppose i feel that words on paper will protect me in a way, but that's a silly thing to assume. just look at mark darcy at the end of bridget jones' diary. he read her diary and she said all these terrible things about him and he runs out...only to buy her a new diary of course, but the reader/viewer is led to believe darcy is appalled and heartbroken. i guess that won't happen. in my book i would be incredibly truthful. i won't pick anyone apart; i will simply reveal a musing of each character. i can't be arrested or hanged for my opinions surely?? no. definitely not. i don't think...

but so yeah. i've been watching a lot of old movies lately: casablanca, an american in paris, gigi, mrs. miniver, a farewell to arms, an affair to remember, etc. i think i would give my left leg to live in an era that is so black and white...no pun intended. i love how honest life was. i love how there were no games involved. if you loved someone, you showed it. it just seemed simple and beautiful. even though most of those movies have to do with war and dark times...the characters still make the most of life and they don't hide their emotions for the most part. also, there was no texting or emailing or blogging. there was just the right now and a few memories. it seems so much more cut and dry. sigh. if only...

here's looking at you kid.

i walk by faith and not by sight...

the true definition of beauty is a mixture of words and lyrics used to praise my savior. sometimes the words are in english. sometimes the words are in zulu. whatever language they may be in is perfect. right now there are several scriptures speaking to me. i have been overcome by the world and by people. i have been living in fear and not trusting in the Lord to provide for me. i have been trying to take my life into my own hands. what is so funny about all that is the fact that i am so far from being in control of my life or anyone else's life it's laughable. God reminds me daily how silly i am. sometimes it's hard to face, but i am grateful for my rude awakenings just the same. anyway...back to those scriptures speaking to me:

2 Corinthians 5:7 says, "we live by faith, not by sight". sometimes it's written "we walk by faith...", etc. i like to personalize things as much as possible so that scripture applies directly to me. "i will walk by faith and not by sight. i will live faithfully and completely devoted to Jesus Christ, and i will not live by sight. i will not put my faith and my trust in the material ways of the world.

Joshua 1:9 (the second sentence and beyond) says "Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." How fantastic!?! i'm so happy to have a Lord who will love me and be by my side when i least expect it. He is with me even when i don't feel like i deserve the love of anyone. He is with me holding my hand while i walk through the world. the very best part of this scripture is that i was shown this in my reading and i later found a necklace in the shape of a shield and a very tiny inscription of this very verse is on the back of it. it touches my heart daily...literally. i feel so lucky.

Sithi jabula Jesu, jabula
wake up in the moonlight singing
Sithi thandaza solly, thandaza
Heaven is waiting for you.
[Sithi (We say), jabula (be joyful) Jesu (to Jesus)
thandaza solly (be playful, have fun)]
Baning ye ti ba Yahweh (let us praise the Lord our God) Hallelujah!
Siyahamb' ekukhanyen' kwenkhos' (We are singing, for the Lord is our light)
Jesu tawa pano...tawa pano mu zita renyu (Jesus we are here...we are here for you)

Panis angelicus
fit panis hominum;
Dat Panis caelicus
figuris terminum.
O res mirabilis!
manducat Dominum
pauper, auper
servus et humilis
pauper, pauper
servus, servus et humilis.

these lyrics translated are so beautiful. look:
Heavenly Bread
That becomes the bread for all mankind;
Bread from the angel host
That is the end of all imaginings
Oh, miraculous thing!
This body of God will nourish
Even the poorest,
The most humble of servants.

the last song i'm putting up tonight is probably one of my favorite and most beautiful songs i have ever heard or sang in my life.

seeds grow to plants if you add a little water,
boys grow to men if you add a little time
trails grow to tracks if you add a little enterprise
each to each, and everything will be alright.

plants grow to trees if you add a little sunlight
men grow to nations if you add a little hope
tracks grow to roads if you add a little know-how
each to each, and everything will be alright.

like grows to love if you add a little fellowship.
hope grows to faith if you add a little trust
we want to make this land of ours the promised land.
will it to be so and faith will make it work out right

we want to grow in the spirit of our fathers
we want to live in this land our fathers made.
we want to spread in the wide open spaces
give us what we need and we will make the world alright.

now i know that the song is from "Canticles of America" by John Rutter, but the faith shown throughout the whole song makes me cry because there was a time when everyone in our country and a lot of people in our world put all of their faith in God. i want so badly for this to happen again.

okay. i'm done. for now.

"...or get into a knife fight with a skinhead"

i often get consumed in books and poetry. i've felt myself get even more lost in the likes of music, but never before until now have i put so much time and thought into the sounds that music can make and the feelings it evokes in my insides. i mean all of these words just to express how in love i am with the tiny turntable i have in my possession. i have never been so enveloped...nay...entranced by something as lucid. it brings me great joy because i can hear the sounds that my mother heard when she was young. i can be captured by the movement of music and then experience the physical reaction that the bewitching sounds offered my father when he was in college. i feel like i'm in a bubble of good and i am hesitant to get out. while my melodious world seems so perfect, there comes a time when i must re-enter reality. which brings me to the drab complaint portion of this whole ordeal. i don't see it as complaining by the way. i see it as giving my thoughts some air.

so it's a new year. a year for finding a life and a job for myself when all i want is to drive across the country. normally i would take off and not say anything, but currently i have $2 to my name and that's it. i'm sort of stuck. i don't want to be tied down yet. i don't want to work everyday in the same place and then get stuck for years with no way out. i honestly have no choice in the matter though. my parents did so much for me and paid for so much during college that i have to just make money so i can pay them back. in addition, i don't think anyone in my life would be willing to join me in this adventure because all of my friends are settled, engaged, married, pregnant, too young, too poor, too good for me, or not spontaneous enough to do it. i suppose i have to forget it.

my mom says the main thing i should be concerned with right now is getting a job. and while yes that would be the sensible decision, i want more than anything, to have someone who would jump at the chance to go somewhere/anywhere with me, be willing to go halfsies on everything, live in a car, eat at cheap buffets and dives, and listen to "tommy" or "rumors" the whole way. while i would be satisfied with anyone who considers me a friend or can put up with me talking about music and past lives for hours, i would really prefer the person to be a guy. namely, someone who knows enough about me that he's not scared to stick around. someone who isn't intimidated by the fact that i know about the world and there's not a ton that he can teach me. i mean there are things that i don't know how to do, but for the most part i can manage to do or talk about anything i need to. if i could play an instrument well enough, and said instrument was portable, i would be even happier because i could never get bored. whoever this guy is should probably know how to play guitar or something. he should also have a pretty voice so that when we are struggling to make a little money for gas or food, we can perform somewhere and charm our way into some cash. he should also probably make an agreement with me that he won't do anything stupid (sell our vehicle, spend all his money on stupid crap like tons of beer, ditch me for a cheap girl, or get into a knife fight with a skinhead that turns into a high speed car chase with guns and slashed tires, etc.) because then he would have to deal with me being silent and pretending to be okay even though i will be so upset that i'm holding back a huge meltdown. no one wants to see or have a meltdown on the trip across the country.

what am i even writing about right now? i make up imaginary stories that could never happen. i wish it all came true though. i wish all my thoughts and pretend stories happened because then my life would be a movie.

clearly i need sleep.