1. i have too much to say at this moment. i have feelings that probably can't be described well on a blog page. feelings and words that can't be imagined on a piece of paper. thoughts that i, myself, have never even thought. but i need to tell you that no matter what, you are ALWAYS going to be you and there is nothing i can do to change that fact. i've tried to make you my own dream. i've tried to imagine you as a different person. i've tried to picture you in a different light. i've even tried to woo you with affection. there is nothing i can do to change your mind. you're set in your ways more so now than ever. you will always be, undeniably, the one person i'll never have. i'm coming to terms with it. you're too different. not only different from anyone i've known, but different than how you were when we met. you're different every time i see you. if i didn't know better i'd say you were suffering from schizophrenia. maybe that's why this thing between us is so difficult to understand. i don't understand it. i never will. all i know is that when i'm with you, my heart has a hard time keeping up. you stop time. in my head i feel like we're back to the first time we met. then we talk and i realize that's just what i want deep down. i want YOU, but the 'you' i want is the 'you' i met 6 years ago. i can't change you. i don't want to. i just want you to feel the way i feel about you. but that is nearly impossible. because i don't even know you and you don't really know me either. the thing is, i'll never know you. and that breaks my heart. i have a slight feeling that i made you up, or at least i made you into someone you aren't. you can go back to your friends/drug of choice now. let me know when you're dead.
pragmatically yours, a
2. you're utterly perfect for someone. probably not perfect for me, but for a girl who has an ideal body. a girl who knows everything there is to know about football. a girl who can run miles without being winded. a girl who doesn't think the way i do. a girl who is faithful not just to you, but to God. a girl who never questions the way life works. a girl who is inexplicably beautiful without trying. a girl who knows less than you, so that you can teach her things. a girl who has a sense of humor...but the kind of humor that every pretty girl has---boring and store-bought.
SIDENOTE: i have a fantastic sense of humor. in fact, i've been told that i'm hilarious and "the funniest person i know" by lots of people. i make fun out of situations because it makes situations easier to handle. i do this, not only because i have wit and lots of sarcasm. not only because i notice small things that no one else notices, not only because i state the funny thoughts that no one else can find the words to describe. not only because it's my defense mechanism. i'm funny because that's what i HAVE to be. sure i'm cute and nice and sweet, but i'm funny because that's what us "non-beautiful" girls have to be. we didn't get all the perfect characteristics, so we have to overcompensate by being hilarious. it's not a bad quality. it's something i've learned to love about myself. but in reality, if i were drop dead gorgeous i wouldn't have to be funny: i could just fall back on my perfect looks and sexy body and that would be enough.
anyway...number 2...you're amazing. i would give my right arm to be enough for you. but i'm not. so i'll just make you laugh and give you silly gifts and tell you funny jokes because that's what i'm good at. i'll share anecdotes and pretend that i'm happy to be different. but deep down, you're the kind of man that i want. you'd make me happy. you're strong, faithful, and absolutely delicious. it just doesn't work. but OH how i wish it would. too bad life is not a movie.
wishful-thinkingly yours, ashmo
3. i thought you might be perfect. to borrow a cliche, i thought you might be The One. i was sorely mistaken. in the beginning i should have seen it coming. i didn't, however, because i was too blinded that i, ashley moore, was with The One. how hilarious it was to be kicked in the head over and over again. you made me laugh. you made me cry. you were just enough. i never knew, i still don't know, anyone like you. i think the reason for this is i was in love with a mirror image of myself. that sounds really egotistical. it actually made me throw up to type it. but it's true. we are the same person. we've both had struggles. we've both had ups and downs and our fallback was always the same. we could lay in bed for hours and listen to obscure music and be perfectly happy. we could take trips to the beach just to watch birds! we could observe the same people and come up with funny stories about their lives. we could talk about anything and everything and have conversations for hours about thom yorke. WHO DOES THAT? no one. literally no one. and i LOVED every second of it. everything we had in common was based on everything we thought about on a daily basis. we discovered new things together. but when times got rough you gave up slightly. instead of seeing what else would work, you bailed. you changed into a different person. or maybe you didn't...maybe i did. or maybe you were always that way and everything you said was a lie. or maybe everything we had was an experiment. i talked to you about things i didn't talk to other people about and i asked you questions that you always knew the answer to. you had flaws. you still do, i'm sure. one of the biggest was the fact that you changed your mind more than anyone who has ever lived. i gave you too much. i "put you on a pedestal", apparently. and after you knocked me down off of my tiny minuscule "pedestal" (that i wouldn't even consider a pedestal) you changed your mind again. you loved me, then you didn't. you wanted me, then you were disgusted by me. you told me everything i wanted to hear, then you blatantly offended me in order to make yourself feel better about the fact that you were being an asshole. you are a giant rollercoaster. literally. your name should be ronnie rollercoaster. and dear, dear ronnie, i don't know where you are. i don't know who you are or what you're doing, or who you're doing, or if you're in love, or if you're alone. i tried to be your friend. i will try forever. because you were the first person i've ever been devastated over. you're the first person i've ever actually pictured life with. you're the first person i've ever wanted so much that it physically hurt, which is a beautiful reminder of how disgustingly fragile i am. thank you for being so real. thank you for knocking me down. because, damnit, i was so very vain to begin with.
sardonically yours, me
wow. i'm not sure where any of this is coming from, but i feel better. there's more to come. right now, i need to get away for a minute. come back soon.
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