i often get consumed in books and poetry. i've felt myself get even more lost in the likes of music, but never before until now have i put so much time and thought into the sounds that music can make and the feelings it evokes in my insides. i mean all of these words just to express how in love i am with the tiny turntable i have in my possession. i have never been so enveloped...nay...entranced by something as lucid. it brings me great joy because i can hear the sounds that my mother heard when she was young. i can be captured by the movement of music and then experience the physical reaction that the bewitching sounds offered my father when he was in college. i feel like i'm in a bubble of good and i am hesitant to get out. while my melodious world seems so perfect, there comes a time when i must re-enter reality. which brings me to the drab complaint portion of this whole ordeal. i don't see it as complaining by the way. i see it as giving my thoughts some air.
so it's a new year. a year for finding a life and a job for myself when all i want is to drive across the country. normally i would take off and not say anything, but currently i have $2 to my name and that's it. i'm sort of stuck. i don't want to be tied down yet. i don't want to work everyday in the same place and then get stuck for years with no way out. i honestly have no choice in the matter though. my parents did so much for me and paid for so much during college that i have to just make money so i can pay them back. in addition, i don't think anyone in my life would be willing to join me in this adventure because all of my friends are settled, engaged, married, pregnant, too young, too poor, too good for me, or not spontaneous enough to do it. i suppose i have to forget it.
my mom says the main thing i should be concerned with right now is getting a job. and while yes that would be the sensible decision, i want more than anything, to have someone who would jump at the chance to go somewhere/anywhere with me, be willing to go halfsies on everything, live in a car, eat at cheap buffets and dives, and listen to "tommy" or "rumors" the whole way. while i would be satisfied with anyone who considers me a friend or can put up with me talking about music and past lives for hours, i would really prefer the person to be a guy. namely, someone who knows enough about me that he's not scared to stick around. someone who isn't intimidated by the fact that i know about the world and there's not a ton that he can teach me. i mean there are things that i don't know how to do, but for the most part i can manage to do or talk about anything i need to. if i could play an instrument well enough, and said instrument was portable, i would be even happier because i could never get bored. whoever this guy is should probably know how to play guitar or something. he should also have a pretty voice so that when we are struggling to make a little money for gas or food, we can perform somewhere and charm our way into some cash. he should also probably make an agreement with me that he won't do anything stupid (sell our vehicle, spend all his money on stupid crap like tons of beer, ditch me for a cheap girl, or get into a knife fight with a skinhead that turns into a high speed car chase with guns and slashed tires, etc.) because then he would have to deal with me being silent and pretending to be okay even though i will be so upset that i'm holding back a huge meltdown. no one wants to see or have a meltdown on the trip across the country.
what am i even writing about right now? i make up imaginary stories that could never happen. i wish it all came true though. i wish all my thoughts and pretend stories happened because then my life would be a movie.
clearly i need sleep.
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